SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Years ago I followed a blog of a wife whose husband had an affair while working away. He and his family lived on his family’s farm which his wife helped run. His job took him away for months at a time. He started an affair with a 20 something girl whose mother encouraged it! The wife eventually found out and all hell broke loose. The point I am making is that the girl’s mother actively encouraged the affair. Helped keep it going, talked about marriage between a middle aged man and her young daughter. I lost the contact so do not know the outcome. I write this to help you accept the idea that there are people in this world who don’t care about how hurt you are. Your ws has probably made up some horror stories about you.

There are two people whose ideas about life are what you need to know. One is a pastor who said if someone wants to leave, let them go. Open you hand and let go. The second said when someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. He has shown you he does not care about you or your children. Believe him. Take back your life. It is too important to waste on him, and what he is doing. He thinks he found the prize. Think about this…the prize has a family that actively lets a man with a family mistreat that family. What prize is she?

Thank you all again for the support. Feel like I’m strong one moment then have a panic the next.
Tomorrow I have an appointment for legal advice followed by some talking therapy.

I’m very anxious about what will happen with the children the weekend. I’m not sure where he’s going to take them. I know I’m not going to be able to stop him taking them to his "new" home and I can’t stop the AP from being around them whilst he has them. As much as I really don’t want it to happen!

Had to have contact this evening, which I did ignore him a lot. Gave some compliments, lost weight smell nice, which I ignored. He’s not pleased at all that I won’t allow him to have the children here. Which then turned into you don’t need to lose any more weight you will look terrible 😑

He asked if I missed him I said no. So I said you miss being at home don’t you, he said no he’s happy with her. Tried to say he was going to move back in and I said no again.

Basically ended in a petty argument. I think in future it’s going to have to be have the kids ready for hand over and under no circumstances he comes into the house.

Very sorry that you and your children are going through this. For your own sanity get that vital legal advice and set up proper boundaries and guidelines on child exchanges. I know this is so hard, but try to limit conversations and engaging with him. Currently he is not your friend. He will just try to hurt you and confuse you. Never forget that you are the prize. Document any misbehavior or failure to see his children. I’m sure your children are sad and confused. Focus on you and your children. Keep your communications short and to the point. Good luck.

Missmee, you are the anchor that keeps his boat steady. You are hidden under water while he has a blast on his party boat. She is new, the sex is off the charts, but I would bet the rest of his life stinks. He is now living in the house of people his age while trying to keep the romance going behind closed doors. It can’t get much more pathetic that than. It is not surprising he wants to live at home with her on the side anytime he wants her. You pulled up the anchor and his boat is no longer stable.

Get on with your life. Whatever he does with his should no longer be in your sights. Make sure the kids are ok. Get yourself a lawyer and start the divorce process. He has put enough manure in your life. It is time to start digging out.

Update- solicitor is advising to try sort contact with children between ourselves, if that doesn’t work to try mediation. I’ve spoke with school who will now offer children therapy. I’ve had my first therapy session and have another booked next week as this was an get to know me, what do I want from this kind of thing.

Going to be a hard few months but will be worth it! He keeps asking me if I want him to come back. But says he’s really happy where he is with her.

I’m now going to ignore what he says, thinking of changing my number and only communicating through email

Yeah, I think those are sensible options. The thing here is that what he says isn’t worth listening to. You know he lies, you probably won’t believe what he says anyway. Letting him talk and argue only harms your own healing.

The thing is here,you probably know that you wouldn’t want him back now anyway. In my dark times when I missed my ex so much I had to keep telling myself that we couldn’t go back, I knew that it’s not like we could ever have gone back to being what we were, he’d pissed all over that. It’s painful and up and down feelings are very normal but the only way is through it, and you are doing great job even if you can’t see it yourself.

I love my life much more now than I did with my ex. Things CAN be much better for you.

[This message edited by Jambomo at 10:28 AM, Saturday, September 27th]

Thank you. Feeling down again today for what should have been. I can’t believe the man who he has turned out to be. I’m so disappointed with him. Grieving the loss of the future I thought we had planned to.

I know what I need to do it’s just doing it.and I am gutted that he has ended up with her but just need to remind myself of who he actually is now, and how cruel he’s treated me the last few months

Missmee....I think he's doing what they call "hoovering" with you. It's when they start trying to come back possibly because they realize what a mistake they made not just in cheating, but maybe not having a place to live. Her family might not be too enthused having him live there with Baby Girl. So he might be trying to figure out if he can con you into letting him live with you again - testing the waters. So be aware that might be his motive.

As for the kids, if you don't have proper legal advice, I think you really need it because how is he going to visit with them? In your home? I may have missed something in your posts. Is he planning on taking them somewhere? I would not let him take your youngests anyway, certainly not the 1 year old. This guy has bad judgment. I don't think babies or toddlers should be moved around a lot, they need permanence and security....well, you know this, you have far more experience than I do.

You are a very strong woman to handle this as well as you are - you may not feel that way, but you are. Again, remember that everything is temporary even something as awful as this, and life will get better, maybe sooner than you think!

Thanks for the advice.
He seems to think as he is paying maintenance towards the children which will go towards rent and general living costs for the children he’s automatically allowed to come and see the children in my house. He said I’m being bitter and petty.

1. I don’t want him in my home ruining my peace he’s caused so much upset this year.

The next issue he has nowhere to take the children so he suggested he takes them to the new girlfriend/OW moms house. I said HELL NO! I feel my children need to get used to dad not living with us and get into a new routine and said we will discuss them meeting her in 6-12 months. As angry and hurt as I am I feel this is fair and has the children’s best interest at heart? Or am I doing that wrong?

My thoughts are he takes them out a couple hours once a week until he’s financially stable and has somewhere they can visit him.

Or am I putting obstacles up?

A week since he started living with the OW and I’ve received a text "we need to talk it’s killing me not seeing the kids"

Well look, you are in a situation where you want to work out what you want more, he does get to see the kids so would you prefer that be at your house, or at the girlfriends house? What are your options, is there a neutral venue like a parent's home nearby they could meet? Can he meet at your home and you go out till they are done? Your idea of taking them out a few hours a week seems pretty sound as well.

Be aware that his contact "about kids" may be a way to start trying to move back in with you. Not because of anything else (like remorse or he admits he made a mistake leaving) but because he is "unhappy" and fears the financial impact to his wallet. The kids may be his excuse.

He may continue the affair though even more hidden than before.

Get a written custody &/or parenting plan so you are protected. Do not allow the OW to be around your kids for any reason. He can see the kids at your home - while he is there - you leave if possible.

Please do not feel pity for him. The stronger you are now means all the difference to your interactions in the future.

You were right! Quick chat about the kids turned into Conversation how he missed my cooking and that he will never be happy. I ignored most conversation. It ended with him saying you can text me anytime you like. Obliviously I’d rather pull my eyes out!!

I think he would happily stay here and carry on with her and who ever else he could. Looking back now I’d say there’s likely been other women. I’d say I was to wrapped up with the kids only reason this one came out was because he nearly lost his job!

Definitely would say he doesn’t like his wallet taking a battering! Don’t think he realised how much worse off he would be! I’ve got a parenting plan that the solicitor printed I need to send to him. Funnily enough he has filled out the financial form that was sent to him! Will need to chase that up next time I speak to him! Going forward I will continue to not contact him and only reply to messages about the kids

Missmee, often times they want both.....and you can't have both. Not unless you're a Sultan of the old Ottoman Empire! Most people don't want their spouses to have both, it's kind of.....against the idea of marriage and the vows. He's wants to have sex with this girl and also have her fawn over the wonder of him, but he wants to have the household stuff done by you and he can sleep there and see the kids. So you get the be the scullery maid while Missy gets to wear silk teddies, or whatever. It's a classic case, and the answer is always...NO.

He's the one who screwed up the marriage, he's the one who lied and cheated, he's the one who created instability for his kids - this is all his fault, he should not get to make decisions for them based on HIS BAD MORALS AND JUDGMENT. I think you're right in your instincts about providing stability and gradual change for the kids. Of course, you're right. Not seeing the kids regularly is part of the choice he made by wanting this girl...there's a trade-off. HE made the trade-off, you didn't. So I would not give in to this unless you have a LEGAL DECREE ABOUT CUSTODY in place....if you don't have a court decree, I would call them my kids and the hell with him. That's why it's important to talk to a lawyer to understand what the situation is - as you're not married, I wonder what the rights for each are in your area. Only a lawyer can say. But short of that, I'd keep control of the kids as long as possible and with your judgment prevailing. He should not be, IMO, taking them over to Missy's parents house (how bizarre) for what - so they can play GRANDPARENTS? You don't know these people at all, or what your kids would be exposed to. Personally I don't even believe that people who desert their spouses and kids should have ANY custody rights, and I mean that and I would like to see that in law, but....something has to be worked out once you talk to a lawyer. I think it should definitely be some kind of supervised setting, maybe your parents or his parents or some other relative you actually know?
Some friends you can trust? Or something a lawyer might suggest? Again, I would not let toddlers go anywhere because they're toddlers and vulnerable and this is HIS fault. There's a price to pay for acting like this.

Frankly, as it looks like you're definitely moving towards divorce anyway (perhaps I'm wrong but that's the impression I'm getting) he probably should get his own place away from his girlfriend and her family. He should have at least a neutral place where he would see the older children.

So do find out from a lawyer what the deal is especially with not being legally married, and what your mutual obligations are and if you need any court actions, and then follow your own judgment especially about the youngest kids.

Definitely won’t be reconciling, he caused far too much hurt and the lies. I’m choosing not to live the rest of my life on edge like I have done this year. I’ve already wasted months worrying instead of enjoying my children. Never ever will I allow anyone to treat me how he has.

Legal advice I was given regarding the children was to see if we can sort between ourselves, then try mediation then a court order. I think we may possibly need the mediation. I feel at the minute he expects me to sort him seeing the children. As long as they are safe then I’m happy. I’m going to suggest he takes them to a member of his family’s home.

It’s the time he normally would come home I feel I struggle with but that’s probably because I’ve had near enough the same routine for over 18 years!

Missmee

I try to be as practical and realistic as possible:

He seems to think as he is paying maintenance towards the children which will go towards rent and general living costs for the children he’s automatically allowed to come and see the children in my house.

Is it your house? What does the solicitor say? Can you bar him from entry? I’m guessing he still legally resides in the house.

The next issue he has nowhere to take the children so he suggested he takes them to the new girlfriend/OW moms house. I said HELL NO! I feel my children need to get used to dad not living with us and get into a new routine and said we will discuss them meeting her in 6-12 months. As angry and hurt as I am I feel this is fair and has the children’s best interest at heart? Or am I doing that wrong?
My thoughts are he takes them out a couple hours once a week until he’s financially stable and has somewhere they can visit him.

What does the solicitor say about that? Can you in any way or form control where he takes the kids as long as it’s obviously dangerous to them? Like... I can understand he can’t take them to a construction site, but can you really prevent him from taking HIS kids to see someone you don’t like?
Often people reach agreements on things like this, but if he were to take the kids to see OW and her parents... I really don’t think you can prevent that.
Maybe I’m wrong, but please hear what your solicitor says.

I totally 100% agree that you should not consider reconciliation. Missing your cooking is about the worst reason to take him back. I am not pointing out the above to make things harder, but the sooner both of you reach a reasonable settlement withing the framework of the law and procedures in your area, the sooner you can move on.

And are you taking advice from the right solicitor? Are there lawyers who will advocate more forcefully for you? Are there lawyers who will act more quickly for you?

Missmee - of course you have to follow any court orders, but I would try as hard as possible to prevent him from taking them over to the OW & her parents' house. That is NOT a neutral location and any people who are okay with their daughter breaking up another family and living with her married boyfriend are not normal, healthy people who should be around kids. Personally - and unfortunately I can't affect the law, alas - I would prevent FWs from having ANY CUSTODY AT ALL of their kids unless the BS agreed and was comfortable with it. I can't imagine that people who deliberately abandon their spouses and kids for....something like this (trying to control my language here) have good judgment in people or the kind of people kids should be around. We all want our kids to be around better quality people, not those of questionable judgment and morals. Do get the most aggressive lawyer you can if you definitely need a lawyer and try to work out some neutral location especially if this is a 50/50 split with the kids time. I know people say you can't control who the FW brings them around, perhaps unless they are actual law breakers, and this is really unfortunate and a problem in society, but as much as possible you should feel comfortable with where the kids are - for their own safety and moral upbringing. I'd fight him on this and if this is his intent - I'd make it as hard as possible for him.

On the other hand, you can't totally prevent him from introducing his GF or them meeting her - in a neutral location. That's unfortunate but we live in a sick world. But I don't think he should be bringing them over to HER parents' house with him living there and they probably acting like grandparents. The whole thing sounds so unhealthy and sick. I wouldn't want my kids exposed to this either. Be sure if this is the final outcome that your kids DO understand that this is NOT normal or healthy and they should not be friendly to these people. Sometimes it seems like our society is set up to benefit the CHEATERS and not the Betrayeds and abandoned kids. It's grossly unfair that you and the kids are forced into something like this because he's a selfish, immoral cheater.

Thank you, I totally agree with all everyone has said. Legally he can’t enter my property any more that’s one thing sorted.

Yesterday he was sent a parenting plan to agree and sign but he hasn’t of yet, this states that children can’t be around or have any contact with OW for 6 months minimum. Or any other partner he ends up with. As this will be in their best interests. Their whole worlds have changed drastically and I see nothing good coming from meeting her. He will also have them for a max of 4 hours a week until he has a safe and suitable home.

Finical form that was sent last week he’s still not completed. I feel the lack in his actions of filling anything out shows how wrapped up in his own world he is. He’s done us all a favour. I think contact will eventually stop because of his own actions. Then I’m sure he will paint the narrative of how poor him the evil ex has stopped contact

And to say he’s missing the kids he’s not once tried to make contact with them. Which I’m sure will end up being a blessing eventually. I can’t believe who this man has turned out to be!

On another positive I have another therapy session tomorrow