SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I read this post a while ago that helped me. It seems like you are stuck thinking about his potential or "what if he changes" but that’s not the reality. His potential will probably never eventuate and you will waste your happiness waiting. If a man cannot make change necessary when he is about the lose everything and impact his children’s lives, what makes us think they will one day change? There are many people who remain selfish, abusive and immature alll the way until they die. The longer you keep yourself waiting for his "potential" rather then accepting reality you will potentially expose your children to an unhappy home life that will impact their future relationships too because what they see at home becomes their template. I also learnt that infidelity can really impact your nervous system. Your safe space is now the reason for your trauma so you can feel confused by a push and pull of wanting safety from your husband because that’s what you’re used to and then you’re body telling you he is unsafe because it has experienced a real trauma. So it also helped me to tell myself that i am safe in my own body and recognise all those confusing feelings as they were happening. I think it’s soo helpful to get a therapist while you navigate this. My therapist helped me set boundaries and hold those boundaries. She made me think about what remorse should really look like. Remorse isn't shedding a few tears, it’s that deep sense of regret for the harm you have caused your loved ones and the motivation to fix your wrongs and stop hurting them. It doesn’t seem like he was remorseful at all. Its also accepting that if you choose to leave, its normal to feel grief, even when the person who left was horrible. You’re grieving so many things, the life you thought you would have, the ideal family, the person he was, what you thought he was. But that will get easier and your body and mind will recalibrate. But you have to go through the waves of emotions and process them.

Thank you for that post!

Well I’ve had an off feeling still I went through his work iPad and there it all was texts still between them last dated last week. He forgot to delete it all. I gave him one chance looked him in his face and asked him to be truthful. He looked me in the eye and lied to me. I’ve asked him to pack a bag and leave. For over a year now he’s looked me in the eye and proven to me he can’t change. And as it’s been mentioned I’m waiting for the potential in him only it’s not there. I’m gutted inside I really thought he was a better person.

Keep a diary of everything with dates. It will remind you when your mind goes back to wishing for "potential" that this is the reality of what he is and has done. It will also help you with any custody challenges.

Yes I will do. I’m in a better position mentally now I think. I’m just so disappointed in him and myself. From what it looks like the other woman blocks him now and again. She’s very welcome to him. When confronted the first thing he wanted to know was how I had found the messages. Followed by do I want a future with him if not there’s no point explaining anything. And to be honest my mind was set as soon as I saw the texts. Seriously can’t believe him and makes me think all over the years the different things I’ve felt and thought the chances are he has been a serial cheat.

I’m late to this saga, but it makes for hard enough reading, so it must be devastating to live it.

I don’t know when you last read it from top to bottom yourself, MissMee, but it’s worth doing to get a feel for how many times you’ve been round this grim cycle of: maybe he can change, no he hates me, maybe it’s over with her, no he lied to me, moving in, moving out, understanding he’ll never change, then getting tricked again.

Please, make it stop.

Even if he were once the man you thought he was, he can never be again. And he hints of a much more sordid past than you even know of.

Don’t make the same mistake your mother did. Don’t pass this cycle of abuse down to your own children. Get out before this becomes normalised for them too.

My XWS also kept the A going unground even when proclaiming he wanted to R. He left for the summer but "came back to me" in the fall by his choice and said he wanted to rebuild. Within weeks he was back with her. Some just don’t have it in them to R. It took me a year from DDAY to finally walk away, but eventually I did. And that’s okay. Sometimes you just need that time to work in IC and build the strength, and get over the shock and see that you tried but they didn’t give you anything to work with.

When you are ready, hop in to the S/D forum and read the pinned post on fear vs reality.

Many of us have found a deep peace when we decide to walk away. Still horribly painful and sad, but it’s like our core knows this is the only way, even if we don’t want it. I hope you feel a little of that.

You are so strong and deserve so much more. Trust that your future will be bright. Sending support. This stuff is so hard.

Thank you, it’s the mindset of wanting answers I need to change. Cause I keep wanting to know why? When? How can you behave in that way but then be ‘normal at home’ like the texts how can 9 months after the affair ended can you still sit the in my home messaging her?

So frustrating I’m just so disappointed in him. I know though to trust my instincts and I knew something was up I’m just so glad I got to see the texts get copies and gave him the opportunity to lie to me again

How can you behave in that way but then be ‘normal at home’ like the texts how can 9 months after the affair ended can you still sit the in my home messaging her?

If he's still messaging her, the affair isn't ended.

[This message edited by Pogre at 6:27 PM, Sunday, June 28th]