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I found out on June 3rd my WH of almost 17 years is having an affair with a coworker. It is an emotional affair, we live in the United States and she is located in India. She is also married, she is 12 years younger than us and has only been married for 4 years and apparently she is in a unhappy marriage. One point when both of my children had surgery to have their wisdom teeth out and I had to go and get their medicine my son texted me and told me that my WH was on a phone call in the basement and that he wasn't available. Knowing something was up I checked my security cameras and caught a conversation that he was having and overheard him talking to her and asking her if her parents did not approve of her being with him would she still marry him? He went on to say that he is the happiest he has ever been when he is with her, but they have never met in person. When I confronted him with this and told him to get out he said I misunderstood, and that the only way that she could come here would be if they married. That is doesn't actually mean what I think it means. He said he doesn't know what it is but there is something inside of him that just has to meet her, and that if he meets her and things don't work out he would want to be with me. I told him I wasn't a backup person and again he said it was not like that. Since we had a expensive family vacation booked I kept things together and he promised that he would be on his best behavior on the trip so we could have this family time and he promised that he would try and work on us. He was honest and told me that he was still talking to her and that he did have these feelings and he wasn't sure if he was going to go to India. I told him if he did it was over between us. Once on the trip he texted and talked to her throughout the family vacation in Italy (since now it was only a 3 hour time difference between them) ruining the vacation of a lifetime for myself and our teenage kids. The kids even pointed out that what he was doing was out of line. During the trip I told him once we got home he needs to leave so his attitude was well I am leaving anyway I might as well do what I want. On the final two days of the trip he began to get anxiety saying he doesn't want to leave me or the kids or the house. Once we got home I asked him to move out and he has been living at his fathers now for two weeks, saying that he is now really trying and wants to work things out with me and would like a 2.0 version of us. However, he is STILL talking to this woman outside of work and will not end things with her. I told him today that he needs to make a decision that it is either me or her that I cannot keep this up and that he has until the end of the summer (9/21) to make up his mind. At first he seemed overwhelmed by this and said that is just around the corner and that he is not sure what he wants. But I feel this is more than enough time since this has been going on since the first of June. I feel so alone and lost. I love my husband and I want to save my marriage, this is an emotional affair and they have never met in person but it hurts so much. I KNOW that this is so unlike him and that he is going through something else.

This is called Limerence. It is probably was what adolescent girls felt about Elvis Presley or The Beatles or the boy bands they might have had crushes on. Guys can get the feelings too, and they’re totally irrational. It is a true fantasy, but it has fit into that very immature part of his brain and he’s having the time of his life agonizing over this "love that knows no end". It’s altogether too silly except it’s damaging a perfectly good family.

I don’t have a clue how to tell you to manage this except to look after yourself financially and make sure you and your kids are taken care of. I also want to say that the stress this is putting on you is not good for you because it really does break down your immune system. You might want to talk to a lawyer and get your finances straightened out and you most definitely need to talk to a doctor about temporary medication for anxiety which you are full of right now.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 6:23 AM, Sunday, August 16th]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

I'm sorry your H has to deal with this, too, because he's in for a very difficult, painful time unless he can pull himself back from limerence.

The thing is: probably the only way out of long distance limerence is to go what we call 'No Contact' or 'NC'. But your H is maintaining, not ending, contact.

I do think it's possible to fall in love with a voice on a phone or video call. I actually did fall in love with a voice in an in-person class, but her voice grabbed me on the phone, too. We were both unattached when that happened, though, so it was more than OK. (She had an A 45 years later, but we dealt with it.)

What are the conditions under which you would take your H back? Write them down and share them with him if he decides he just has a crush. If he signs up to meet your requirements, you've got the basis of reconciliation. If you can't agree on what your new M will be, you don't have a basis for R.

I agree with Cooley: talk to some good family of D lawyers.

*****

I know the pain is excruciating. All I can offer is my opinion that feeling the pain lets it go, and that's the best course of action open to you. But yeah, being betrayed brings along with it immense grief, anger, fear, shame, and other feelings, too.

You can process the feelings out of your body. A good IC can help. There are some methods that you can do on your own, like 'EFT', Emotional Freedom Technique.

Have faith in yourself to heal. You are stronger than you think you are. It also looks like your kids are good sources of support. Kids demand a lot, but every so often, they give a lot, too.

*****

BTW, you've taken some steps that are highly recommended: 1) refusing to engage while the A is ongoing, and 2) setting a deadline.

IMO, courage and patience are great helps to surviving and thriving after infidelity, You've made a good start.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:16 PM, Sunday, August 16th]

One thing I haven't seen named yet in this thread: he told you, in his own words, that you are his second choice. "If I meet her and it doesn't work out, I'd want to be with you" is not a misunderstanding on your part. It's a hierarchy, stated out loud, with you in the backup slot. You answered it exactly right — "I'm not a backup person" — and I'd encourage you to keep treating that sentence as the anchor it is. When your mind starts bargaining ("maybe I misheard, maybe it's not what it looks like"), come back to that one quote. He said it. You didn't invent it.

The other thing: they've never met. He is not in love with a woman in India; he's in love with a screen that reflects back the best version of himself. A person he's never shared a mortgage, a sick kid, or a boring Tuesday with cannot compete with a fantasy — and the fantasy can't survive contact with reality either. That's why the pull feels so overwhelming to him, and why "there's something inside me that has to meet her" may be the most honest thing he's said: the fantasy is demanding its reality test, and he's willing to bet a 17-year marriage on the outcome.

And your kids saw it. In Italy, they watched their father text another woman through a family vacation while their mother sat there. Whatever happens with the marriage, they are learning what marriage looks like from how the two of you handle this. The fact that they spoke up tells you something good: they trust your home enough to tell the truth in it. You're not as alone in that house as it feels at 3 a.m.