SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ten months ago, my life changed in a matter of seconds.

I was involved in a terrible car accident that almost killed me. I suffered multiple serious injuries, lost a massive amount of blood, and there were moments when even the doctors weren't sure I would survive. Looking back now, I honestly don't know how I'm still here.

I'm 44 years old. Before the accident, I was active, independent, and always taking care of my family. Overnight, everything disappeared.

I spent around a month in the hospital. During that time, I went through surgery after surgery. Every part of my body seemed broken, and every day brought another painful procedure or another difficult conversation with the doctors. Eventually they told me that recovery would be a long road at least two years before my body would feel anything close to normal again. They warned me not to push myself or take unnecessary risks.

For nearly ten months, I was confined to bed. I couldn't walk. I couldn't shower on my own. I couldn't even do the simplest things without someone helping me. Only in the last couple of months have I been able to take a few slow walks around the house. Even now, my health has good days and bad days.

Through every second of this nightmare, one person never left my side, my wife. She is same age as mine

We've known each other since high school. She was my first love, my high school sweetheart, and somehow I was lucky enough to marry her. We've spent our lives growing up together, building a family together, and loving each other through every stage of life. Yeah she is all 44 year old, I'm glad we are getting old together

For almost a year, she has become not only my wife but also my caregiver.

She reminds me to take my medication, helps me get out of bed, supports me while I walk, drives me to appointments, comforts me when the pain becomes unbearable, and sits beside me on nights when I lose hope. There were many moments when I genuinely believed I might never recover, or even survive. Every time I broke down, she was there to pick me back up.

I honestly don't know where I'd be without her.

We have three wonderful childrena 16 year old son, a 14 year old daughter, and our youngest boy, who is 10. I love them more than my own life.

They've been incredibly brave. Not once have they cried in front of me. They smile, joke with me, encourage me, and try to make me feel normal. But I'm their father. I know they've suffered more than they've ever allowed me to see.

My wife has been carrying the weight of this entire family by herself.

She's taking care of me, raising our children, managing the house, balancing her own career, and somehow still finding the strength to keep everyone together.

Financially we've been fortunate. We both built successful careers and High paying jobs before my accident, and our savings, investments, and insurance have kept us comfortable. My parents have also stepped in to help whenever they can. Even then, I sometimes feel guilty watching everyone else carry responsibilities that used to be mine.

Once a week, my wife takes the kids out to do something fun. She also goes out once a week with her four best friends the same friends she's had since our school days. I've known them almost as long as I've known her. She deserves those evenings more than anyone.

Meanwhile, I stay home. My world has become these four walls. The hardest part to admit is what this accident has done to our marriage physically. Our sex life disappeared completely.

My body simply can't handle it. The doctors have specifically warned against putting that kind of strain on myself while I'm still healing. On top of that, I currently struggle with erectile dysfunction because of everything my body has been through. It's humiliating to admit, but it's the truth.

About a week ago, something happened that I never expected. While my wife was at work, her two of best friends came over to see me. That alone felt unusual.

At first, we just talked casually. Then the conversation changed. They began talking about women's emotional and physical needs, especially in their forties. They said they knew what our marriage had been like since my accident, and they gently told me that my wife has been struggling much more than she lets me see.

Then they told me something that completely caught me off guard. Apparently, my wife has been attending therapy once a month. I had no idea.

They said she had cried in front of them more than once about how lonely she feels. Not because she loves me any less, but because she misses the closeness, intimacy, and physical connection we once shared. They explained that while things like toys exist, they can't replace the comfort, affection, and human touch of another person.

Then they made a suggestion I never imagined I'd hear. They said they had been discussing whether they could quietly arrange for my wife to meet another man a mature, respectful man around her age, someone discreet from a similar social background. Their idea was that she could see him once or twice a month, have a private physical relationship with him, and that it would remain completely secret and end whenever I recovered or whenever the two of us decided it should end.

They made it clear they weren't trying to replace me. They said they loved both of us. They simply couldn't bear watching my wife carry everyone else's pain while silently burying her own.

They also told me I didn't have to agree. They asked me only to think about it before reacting.

At first, I was furious. Every instinct in me wanted to throw them out of my house. Instead, I let them finish speaking and then asked them to leave. After the door closed, I broke down.

I cried harder than I have since the accident. Part of me felt betrayed. Part of me felt jealous.
But more than anything else, I felt overwhelming guilt. This accident didn't just destroy my body. It changed my wife's life too.

For days I've wondered whether they spoke to her first or whether they acted entirely on their own. I honestly don't know. Maybe she has no idea they ever came to see me. Maybe she would be horrified if she knew.

For the last five days, I haven't even been able to look her in the eyes for very long. She hasn't changed at all. She's still gentle. Still patient. Still kisses my forehead before leaving for work.
Still asks if I've taken my medication. Still smiles at me like nothing is wrong. And somehow that hurts even more.

I've been asking myself a question that I never thought I'd have to ask. Am I being selfish?

I know she's still a beautiful woman. I know there are men who would happily be with her. I also know she has needs that I simply cannot meet right now, and according to my doctors, I may not be able to for another 2-3 years. I love her more than I love myself.

If keeping her happy, emotionally healthy, and mentally whole meant letting her find that missing part of her life somewhere else for a while... would that be an act of love, or would it destroy the marriage we've spent decades building?

If, after everything we've been through, she tells me she's hurting in ways I never realized... then I want to hear it from her.

John, first of all I would like to say I'm sorry for what has happened to you. My neighbor had an acctdent like you, 5 years later he is much better. Second your wife's friends are not helpful, they are acting self important. Your wife's difficulties are a normal part of life. My wife couldn't have sex for months, couldn't do it most of the time for years, for a few months she even couldn't give me a deep kiss, because the hormone rush was painful in her condition. If my friends came with a proposition like that, I would laugh it off. If they came to her, I would tell them to f. off. And ask yourself, if the situation was reversed, would you expect them to be concerned about getting of your rocks, or about her health and recovery? They don't love you, just her. And they have no idea what they are talking about, outside of the fact that it would be a hot story in their mind.

We don't know exactly what your condition is, but can't you be sexual at all before you can have full on intercourse? People have online sex, phone sex, text massage sex, you can hold her and be intimate without putting strain on your body. Talk to your wife. Tell her exactly what has happened and ask her what she thinks. As for the arrangement, if you are not into this, it's almost certain destruction of your marriage, just with extra steps. It will destroy both of you and change temporary hardship into eternal pain. Less painful to just split IMO.

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 8:51 AM, Saturday, June 27th]

Hi johnn,

I'm sorry you are in this place. I can see you really care for your wife, and this is an additional burden to cary on top of your injuries. I'm sure it's very difficult for both of you.

Reading your message reminded me of some of the things my wife tried to do to get out of admitting she was having an affair:

Casually one day she asked me about the idea opening our marriage, and what I thought about that. I was very against the idea. I couldn't stomach the idea of another man having sex with my wife... Little did I know it had already been going on for months.

Another time she asked me if I thought it would be hot to go to a bar, and have her sit alone to see if other men would hit on her. I'm assuming that one of these "other men" would have been her affair partner. Don't know why she thought that would be hot for me, but again I was not into it.

Then the final straw for me was one day she suggested that I get a girlfriend saying that pursuing the opposite sex improves testosterone and confidence, and would help our love life too.

Thats when I had heard enough and finally asked what was going on, explaining that I thought we were monogamous and I didn't understand why she was suggesting this to me. She then confessed to an intense year long affair that I knew nothing about. Turns out her affair partners wife had found out and was threatening to contact me, and my wife was terrified that would happen.

I don't want to paint a false picture or anything, and maybe I'm just jaded by my own experiences, but these comments give me pause.

They began talking about women's emotional and physical needs, especially in their forties. They said they knew what our marriage had been like since my accident, and they gently told me that my wife has been struggling much more than she lets me see.

...

Then they told me something that completely caught me off guard. Apparently, my wife has been attending therapy once a month. I had no idea.

...

They said they had been discussing whether they could quietly arrange for my wife to meet another man a mature, respectful man around her age, someone discreet from a similar social background. Their idea was that she could see him once or twice a month, have a private physical relationship with him, and that it would remain completely secret and end whenever I recovered or whenever the two of us decided it should end.

She is struggling, enough that her friends know a lot more about her struggles than you do.

She is keeping things from you - maybe out of kindness, and maybe not.

The man they describe seems oddly specific like they are describing someone they already know. Maybe they already have someone in mind, or maybe your wife is actually having an affair and they are trying to do what my wife did - come up with a scenario where she could have a legitimate relationship with this person and not have to tell you about her affair.

Either way I would be very concerned about the influence of these friends on your wife. And I would NOT entertain the idea of another man in the picture. Think of it, she will be comparing you at your worst to another man at his best. I don't see any way this works in your favor or will help your relationship. If opening your marriage to others was not on the table before the accident, I would not seriously entertain it now. It's just going to make a bad situation worse. You sound like you are already struggling with all this without another man in the picture. I could understand this line of thought if there were no way you could ever be with her physically. Like maybe you had absolutely no control of your body or something like that. It sounds like this is not the case for you, and that you believe you will recover at some point in the near future.

I suggest talking to her about this strange conversation, and see what her reaction is. See how much she knows about it already. Personally I would do a little digging to see if something isn't already going on. Something just doesn't seem right here. I could be totally wrong of course.

If nothings happening, I'm sure there are things you could do to help her sexually and with the stress of carrying this load. Talking to her will help clear this picture up and help you understand how you can also help her.

Maybe you can arrange for someone else to come help you for a while to give her a break. Maybe you could arrange for her to go on a small vacation. Maybe her friends would be willing to come around and help out - they seem pretty interested in helping the two of you, and it seems like you have a pretty good relationship with them since they felt comfortable enough come to you with the idea of your wife sleeping with another man.

Disclaimer: I don't know anything about your life, personality, or relationship, I'm just giving my views based on what you have conveyed. So take what's helpful for you and leave the rest.

[This message edited by Theevent at 9:32 AM, Saturday, June 27th]

I'm trying to imagine my friends coming to my injured husband, behind my back, to betray struggles that I shared with them in confidence and suggest that I start fucking another man.

Have they been reading bad fiction? Is that what made them think this is how real people behave?

@BraveSirRobin they like interventions, and sharing the excitement of new lovers. All the juicy stuff, much more fun then broken bones.

No, you're not being selfish, Johnn.

If you'd come here with the situations being reversed, asking us if it was "okay" to have an affair, we'd absolutely rip you to shreds.

There is no justification for infidelity.

In all of my years here, the one thing that never ceases to amaze me is just how hard the betrayal of infidelity hits people. Even if you were to consent to "ethical non-monogamy," which I believe is an absurd concept, the emotional and psychological repercussions would, most likely, be as catastrophic as being betrayed.

What strikes me most about your story here is that 10 months isn't a very long time to go without physical intimacy. Even if it takes you another year or so before you're capable of "getting it on," that's still not a very long time.

BTW, I'm not trying to minimize this time frame for your recovery from the accident. I'm very sorry you've had to go through this and I'm sure it feels like a very long time for you.

I would imagine that having to survive infidelity at the same time would have a severely detrimental effect on your recovery.

I would highly encourage you to have a very candid conversation with your wife as soon as possible about all of this, especially her extremely naive friends.

You have my deepest hopes for a full and speedy recovery.

To answer the question in the title of your post, no you’re not being selfish.

You haven’t been intimate with your wife because you literally can’t. You’re not failing her in anyway, and convalescing from life-threatening injuries does not count as putting your needs above hers.

You were in the hospital for a month. Many many surgeries. You’ve been bedridden for 10 months. You’ve been in pain. You probably have PTSD from the accident. You haven’t been able to work or socialize with friends. You’ve probably had to miss events in your children’s lives like sporting events, or piano recitals or whatever.

Yes, your wife has had a lot placed on her shoulders. Taking care of the kids and you and her career and all that. That’s to her credit, but only in the same way that it’s to anyone’s credit to do their duty, no matter how hard.

Wouldn’t you have done the same? Wouldn’t you have taken care of her and the kids if she’d been hurt?

You should feel no guilt - appreciation for her but not guilt. It’s outrageous that her friends tried to guilt trip you into an open marriage.

I worry, as Theevent suggested, that there’s already something going on. Not infrequently do open marriages requests get made after the affair has started. It’s like money laundering for cheating. Cheating laundering if you will. But, I mean really - your wife really can’t handle not getting laid because you’re injured? She has to go to therapy because toys just aren’t cutting it anymore? What the hell?

Did you notice the inconsistency here too? They didn’t just mention her physical needs, the mention she has emotional needs too - she misses the closeness, intimacy, and affection that go with the physical too? Does that really sound like all she needs is some no-strings attached bang sessions?

Have the conversation with her. But don’t do it. The internet is littered with stories from people who regret opening up their marriage. Read a few of those if you’re even remotely considering this.

There’s no way around this. You’re going to have to tell her what her "friends" have been up to. I can’t say if she has any part or even knows about this or not. But it’s going to drive you insane until you get to the bottom of this. Fucking shame on them for bringing something like this up while you’re trying to heal. Stress puts a major damper on physical healing.

In sickness and in health" is a foundational promise in traditional marriage vows. It represents a couple’s mutual commitment to remain faithful, supportive, and loving, regardless of the physical, mental, or emotional hardships life may bring.

I am very sorry to read of your accident and continuing disability struggles. Sending strength to you both to persevere while you recuperate. The above is the commitment that should prevail for you and your W.

I agree with what everyone else said, and think this is crazy. Either her friends are trying to set her up or they have already been trying to.

Taking care of one another is part of the deal. In a 50 years marriage, 1-2 years of physical struggle is nothing. Were there not months during and after pregnancy where things changed between you? There are ebbs and flows for all sorts of reasons.

I think her friends are not friends of the marriage. They sound horrible to me.

Please talk to your wife. She has been supportive and you sound grateful. I hope she is not party to this ridiculous nonsense.

Keep healing, sir. You’ve been through a lot. I am sorry they added to your plate.

I cannot imagine the physical suffering you have endured as a result of the accident.

And then this newest incident is like a bomb being lobbed at you.

Your wife is entitled to share her feelings with her friends. I get that she misses the "old physically strong" you. But one day you will be that guy. You will recover and be able to be more independent.

But your wife may be very upset her friends shared this with you. I don’t know whose idea it was to let your wife "have this arrangement" but it may not be your wife’s true intent.

Have you spoken to your wife about this?

I was in the military, and deployed for a full year overseas. My wife had to run the household; which meant taking care of three kids, paying the bills, mowing the grass, everything. Did she miss physical affection? No doubt. Did her friends suggest that she get a side piece to fill that specific void? Maybe. But I sure am glad they never came to me for permission.

Oh Hell HELL No to what your wife's friends had suggested. I would if I were you tell your wife what happened in your conversation with her friends.

Her erstwhile friends are at best EXTREMELY meddlesome and they are right now no friend of the marriage. I'd hope that at the very least your wife give those two people a very stern talking-to, and that she distances herself from them. Good Grief!

What HouseOfPlane said just above. ^^ Very aptly put.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 4:59 PM, Sunday, June 28th]

I’m going to trust your wife. She’s has inburdened herself to two friends because she needs to, but that does not mean that she wants to cheat on you. I am quite sure those two busy bodies brought it up to her. They think they’re doing both of you a favor. I consider them so toxic that you absolutely have to sit down with your wife and talk to her about all of it. One thing she might be missing is sex because in her 40s women do lose estrogen and their testosterone begins to take over and they do have a pretty strong sex drive, but that does not mean that your wife is going to cheat on you. I do think if you are capable, you need to lie in the bed with her and you hug because she probably just needs physical contact. Do not agonize over this in silence because both of you are keeping secrets from each other trying to protect each other. As dedicated, loving spouses, you need to be wide open about everything in your life and everything in her life. Your doctors have told you you would heal, but it’s going to take time. So give it time. In the meantime, be as nurturing as you can be towards her, and that means thank you and hugs and kisses and just lying next to each other or sitting on the sofa with each other watching television, whatever you need to do to maintain physical closeness. You are not going to be surprised that many men begin to lose the ability to have an erection all the time like they did in their 20s. That’s true sometimes for men in their 40s. Do not agonize over things that two ridiculous women brought up to you. Talk to your wife.

Hi John,

That story is heartbreaking. But please permit me to talk to you about a few things. First, what I see that is absolutely immediately needed is growth in communication. You guys really should be sharing these things through intimate communication. For example, you should be proactively letting her know the sacrifices she is making. You could ask her about her desires and needs.

And she should be open to you about her struggles. She should tell you if she feels that loneliness and desire to be touched. Some deep vulnerable talk will.helpmyou both much.

Now regarding touch, I don't know your physical condition, but if you have use of your hands, you can make your orgasm. And you can do it lovingly and intimately. And let's say you don't even have use of your hands, for the time being, you could verbally walk her through self pleasure while she lays up against you. My point is ....there are absolutely creative ways you two could be intimate. The road block to this right now is your lack of communication. But this is the opportunity to fix that in a glorious fashion.

Now, those friends. They are not friends. I think you need to tell your wife about this immediately. And the one thing you need to check....is did she really want them to ask this? If she did, again this goes to the trust and communication issue.

Regarding their actual suggestion. ABSOLUTELY NOT. Do not let the enemy make you feel this is a good idea. It is horrible. As I said, you can help her with this.

For crying out loud....people have phone sex and get some level of fulfillment. And you have an even better situation. You could talk her through self pleasure in your presence. In all honesty, that could be quite hot. You may need to learn something about how to do it....but your CAN!!!

I truly hope and trust she has not done anything to this point and was trying to have it covered by her friends request. But you need to know that.

Be strong friend. Marriage is on your side. Don't give up. Don't let the enemy of marriage discourage you.

And get rid of those friends if in fact they thought that up on their own.

Seek the Lord for wisdom and comfort and healing.

And work hard on your physical therapy. Work hard. The harder you work, the quicker you will heal.

🙏❤️