SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello fellow members of the worst club ever.

I'm baaaack. Wasn't sure whether to post in JFO or Reconciliation, but here I am.

I joined SI in 2010 (year 19 of marriage) after discovering my H had had two brief physical affairs with "friends" in our small church. The two affairs went from late 2008 thru summer of 2009. First one, then the other.

The Reconciliation process was long and hard. I practically lived here on SI for several years. Eventually it felt like we'd made it through. I thought we were healed (and maybe *we* were,) but then last fall on November 30, 2025 I saw a text my H had sent to a random number that said, "Making you happy makes me happy."

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

That day was like I had time traveled back to DD#1 (July 19, 2009). H denied any wrong doing while painting me as unhinged and reaching.(Gaslighting!!) Our two youngest children were home that weekend (ages 20 & 22). They became involved in the discovery and rallied for their dad's innocence... said I was overreacting. (They know about the previous infidelity and wanted to believe their dad so badly.)

After a couple of traumatizing days, H came home from work with his A game. He continued to (try to) assure me that "nothing" was happening with him and the person he'd texted and said that he wanted to show me that I am his one and only. We went out to eat, the movies and had other date nights more in the month of December than we did for the other 11 months combined.

He was so attentive and begged me to believe we were ok. But my heart knew something was not right.

On the morning of December 31st, 2025 I connected his work phone to our computer and told him that I'd gained access to all his deleted texts. (H is not tech savvy and this was a total bluff.) I told him I'd be receiving a report that day. Later that morning I called him at work and he confessed to a 10 month emotional affair with a young coworker. (He was 60, she was 37.)

We are right at 6 months from DD#3.😭😭😭

The details of the affair (that I have been given) are that she was going thru a bad divorce and it started with him giving her "fatherly" advice. 😩 Then she began asking him for money. Supposedly because the estranged husband had cut her and her two young daughters off. He claims he was never alone with her, never saw her outside of their work space. The relationship was strictly by phone and the occasional money hand off (always cash) in the halls of their building. Says he never touched and even says that he never desired to touch her. (He also said she wore tight clothing and her figure reminded him of me when we met. 🫤) Says he was there only for the validation of "helping" her.(We determined in 2009 that H had KISA syndrome & a Savior complex!)

So yes, of course he was getting the ego strokes, thrill from secrecy and the high from being picked by a much younger woman.

He says his last (private) contact with her (phone call) was the first week of December. After his confession I had called her to inquire about the relationship. She phoned him that day and asked him to tell me to stop calling her. (I had phoned her once on Nov. 30 also.)

A few days later he says he called her "to see where her head was at." Their final contact was the second weekend in January when I had him call her in my presence to officially tell her it was over. After he said his bit, he handed the phone to me and I told her the gig was up and to keep it moving.

We immediately went back to therapy. H has been diagnosed with NPD (covert/vulnerable).

The first few months of this year I was in so much pain I thought I might die. Therapy hasn't been all that great for me. I've found more help from online resources from YouTube. H is doing the work, says he's "never stopped loving" me, but I feel shell shocked that we are here again.

He says altho he knew it was wrong to have a secret relationship, he didnt think it was an affair since there was no physical involvement.

I heard somewhere that emotional affairs are just physical affairs that haven't become physical yet. And that in emotional affairs people are building a house they haven't moved into yet. I know it was a physical affair just waiting to happen. Then there is the forever uncertainty if he's actually, finally even told me the truth. (He knows I will be gone if he crosses that line again.)

We'll have 36 years of marriage this summer. It's crazy the new things I've learned about my H-- his childhood trauma and identity issues--- after all this time. I've learned that much mainstream infidelity counsel focuses on the deficiency of the marriage (communication & marriage issues) when what needs to happen FIRST is a focus on the deficiencies within the infidel.

How could he forget the devastation of 2008-2009?

As I mentioned H is putting in the work. He hasn't *arrived* but he is probably the most emotionally healthy he has ever been in the now 61 years of his life.

And I am in shambles. Betrayal trauma is real. I love my H but he has nearly killed me.

It's taken me 6 months to get up the courage to come back to SI and share. Besides our therapist, I have a few friends who I've shared with. But nobody who really knows this hard road. I need community. Someone (people) who knows this pain. Are we a Reconciliation failure? Does anyone else here have a similar story?

[This message edited by Flatlined at 8:36 PM, Friday, June 26th]

(((Flatlined)))

I'm so sorry you're back here again with another d-day! I can only imagine how devastating this must be for you after all these years.

Are we a Reconciliation failure?

"We?" Nope. This is all on him! This is his failure, not yours.

And honestly, on a personal note, I'm furious about it. I remember you. I remember you helping me when I first joined. I remember your story being an inspiration for me, proof that R is possible.

Does anyone else here have a similar story?

There have been a few members who've come back with other d-days, even years later. It's all too common, unfortunately. I don't know if they're still around. SI isn't quite as busy as it was years ago.

He says altho he knew it was wrong to have a secret relationship, he didnt think it was an affair since there was no physical involvement.

Seriously? How does he define a secret relationship that he knew was wrong? A brain fart? And giving her money without telling his wife? An accounting error?

Does it occur to him how badly he was used, manipulated, and made to look a fool?

Sigh...

First of all, this is on your husband. There is no "we" in this tragedy. "He" failed, not you.

Like I said, this is on him, but does he even realize he was being used for money? I hope he's feeling like a complete fool. Not only for betraying you once again, but for allowing a much younger woman take him for a ride.

I'm pretty new here, having just joined a little over a year ago so I'm not familiar with your story, but I'm so sorry you've found yourself back here again.

I know the pain of betrayal. My wife (of almost 27 years on d day) had both an emotional and physical affair, but it was a one-off and contained to a single d day followed by a month's worth of trickle truth. I can only imagine what another d day would do to me. Especially after so many years.

You know the drill. You know we know. You have been heard. (((Hugs)))

(((Unhinged))) thank you for your thoughtful words. I have been on a rollercoaster from disbelief, to sadness to rage & grief. With nowhere besides H to go.

Seriously? How does he define a secret relationship that he knew was wrong? A brain fart? And giving her money without telling his wife? An accounting error?

Does it occur to him how badly he was used, manipulated, and made to look a fool?

There was such an astounding level of self deception. He somehow rationalized (in the beginning) that he was merely being a father figure to her. (He is actually older than her father!) I have mentored a number of young women in tough life situations. I asked him if it was innocent why he didn't refer her to me. When I say self-deceived!! How can you expect truth from a person who was so comfortable lying to himself?

And yes, he now feels like the biggest fool. She told him all kinds of tall tales-- said she was being abused, husband was a wealthy drug dealer who had kicked her out of their mansion and taken her luxury car... H said her stories often sounded like movies. As a big fan of crime & murder mysteries, he seems to have been captivated by her drama (escape & fantasy). And his ability to swoop in like Superman!😩

After discovery I found her and her (ex?) husband's social media. The husband's Facebook page told an entirely different story!! He actually had several posts stating the importance of choosing a good partner and describing his own distress with marriage.

The evidence shows her stories were most likely all lies. H even suspects he might have been one of several men she was running her game on.

Pogre
Thanks for taking the time to hear my distress. I'm sorry we are all here.

My H does indeed now realize he was being used. They were both using one another.

I told our therapist that seeing those words "Making you happy makes me happy." might just as well have been a picture of them in the act. So painful to see. The sentence runs constantly thru my mind like a news ticker now.

Wishing you the best on your journey. I'm searching for the message (lesson) out of the madness for this time.

First of all, thanks for sharing. Newbies are best served by reading about as many possible outcomes as possible, though 'outcome' may be the wrong word, since we're always a work-in-progress.

What did you do after the 2008-09 As? IC for you, him, both? MC? If the MC was based on the view that M is a system, and therefore the BS is partly responsible for an A, what did you read on SI? If you believed the 'Pro' instead of members, that's understandable.

Are you committed to R now? If so, are you in IC? Is your H? Are you in MC? What are they telling you?

I'm very sorry you have to deal with this again. It looks like your H was the victim of a con. That's no exoneration, but it's a wrinkle that's pretty rare on SI. It's 2 types of betrayal at once, even if you can afford the cash transfers.

What is your H willing to do? Is he willing to give up being the KISA once and for all?

And it stories like yours that lets me know I will ever forget and stop checking in. I stay 3 steps ahead of him. When he says he has a work dinner I drop of and park strategically to see if his other colleagues arrive and leave. I watch to see if she shows up.

He records voice memos in meeting if he can’t answer my texts.

I will never trust him or another man for that matter.

Sisoon

What did you do after the 2008-09 As? IC for you, him, both? MC? If the MC was based on the view that M is a system, and therefore the BS is partly responsible for an A, what did you read on SI? If you believed the 'Pro' instead of members, that's understandable.

Are you committed to R now? If so, are you in IC? Is your H? Are you in MC? What are they telling you?

We did do IC and MC. I don't remember for how long. I'm sure it was more than a year, but probably not a full two years. We had so much going on. We'd lost a teen son to suicide a few years before the As. I feel like the therapists were really unsure where exactly to go with us.

And yes, SI was my lifeline after the 2008-2009 As. H eventually signed up for an account here, but never really *joined* the discussion. I am much more of a *student* (of life in general) than he is. Then (and now) he seemed to want to just brush himself (and us) off and move on. I am much more concerned for the Why's than he seems to be. I recently shared with him that while he's very ready to bury the corpse of his infidelity, I need us to do the autopsy.

I *suppose* I am committed to reconciliation. I mean even before he finally confessed he seemed to do an instant about face (a day or so after I discovered the text). He says he realized he might actually lose me and was immediately ready to do whatever it took to save us. He went NC with the AP immediately. (This was about 3 weeks BEFORE he finally confessed.)

I am in IC, but it's not been tremendously helpful. Based on what I've seen online (YouTube/ FB/ IG) I feel like I need someone trained in *betrayal trauma*... which is a new term for me. I don't recall it from my previous time in infidelity survival.

We have a different MC-- who is also H's IC. The MC diagnosed H with NPD. (This was a shock & blow to H!)

It was a surprise to me, but made perfect sense as I'd often said to H that the most important person in the world to him is him! The MC shoots straight but is not betrayal trauma trained or focused-- he says H & I have communication challenges and has mostly been working to help us understand one another & communicate better.

I generally feel discouraged after MC. H & I spoke today about looking for someone else.

I said I *suppose* I'm committed and this is where I feel conflicted. It seems as tho it's taken my H 61 years to find himself. He seems to be in the best emotional and mental space that he's ever been in. He is more attentive, thoughtful, self-aware, humble and kind than he's ever been.

And I'm not really sure why. That is, why it took another trip to Infidelity Land to bring him to this point. (I believe he still thinks EAs *don't really count* as infidelity!) We are Christian believers, and that's playing a big part as H realizes his ultimate beef (for most of his life) has been with God. Our Christianity teaches that God is the ultimate Satisfier of all our needs. H has shared that he's struggled with his identity and self worth. He's tried everything to fill an emptiness that resulted from feeling unworthy and unloved.

I think he's finally begun to do the work to unravel some deep seated lies about who God is and who H is (or is not!).

So these past 6 months since DD#3 have been the worst of times and the best of times. Sometimes I'm still in great distress & disbelief that it's happened again. Other times I'm in awe of the closeness & connection H & I are currently experiencing. Our oldest son said to me, "Mother,there are no losses, only lessons." Through all the shock, awe and pain I suppose I'm just

waiting & listening for the lesson.

[This message edited by Flatlined at 6:01 AM, Sunday, June 28th]

Howcthappen

I knew that if I came back here to share my story I'd need to also have a message-- of hope, or at the very least, a cautionary tale.

I'm sorry each and every one of us has had to be here. I wish there was a formula, guarantee or warranty for the things of life. But there just isn't. We basically roll the dice and have to deal with whatever we get!

I can't remember how long I stayed hypervigilent after my H's original infidelity. I know at some point I felt like *trust* had been rebuilt. I had (have) access to all H's business (passwords, etc). His EA was 90% phone contact, even tho he worked in the same bldg with AP. Of that phone contact, I'd say 75% was on his work phone and 25% on his personal phone.

I was not in the practice of *checking* my H's phones. Honestly I don't want to have to police him. I don't have the energy nor capacity to monitor a grown man. A cheater is gonna cheat! I need my H to *not* be a cheater! Not because his wife is watching him, but because he is a person of integrity, truth and transparency. If he is unable to become that then I'll be out.

Now I am in no way judging anyone. (Our MC actually told me I have poor boundaries.) By all means we have to employ whatever methods we need to ensure our own safety.

I just feel that there is a line somewhere between accountability & answerability and surveillance & supervision.

I'm still working thru the whys & hows of my H's relapse. It's tough. I guess I'm fortunate that he didn't ever think he wanted to leave. That fact doesn't lessen the damage his choices have caused. I just say, to the best of your ability make sure your Wayward truly does the work to fix whatever broken parts of themself led to the infidelity. Explore childhood trauma, long held secrets, identity and self worth issues, lying, addictions (porn, attention, validation), etc. Get to the bottom of these things or they will keep producing their own trauma in your lives. Ask me how I know.

[This message edited by Flatlined at 5:57 AM, Sunday, June 28th]

IMO, after infidelity one needs a therapist who knows the A is a trauma caused by the WS, not a result of poor communication.

I think it would be nice if your H realized that his poor self-esteem is a problem that only he can solve. That's something a good C - IC or MC - can instill in him, that and a sense of optimism about his ability to solve the problem.

It looks like your H has adopted values that support fidelity. All he has to do is decide he's a good enough person to live according to his values.

I know changing from low to high self-esteem is MUCH easier said than done, but it's the only way to prevent infidelity, and that works only if one infidelity as betrayal and takes not betraying oneself or anyone else as a primary value.

You mention feeling bad after MC. I hope your counselor isn't blaming communication or marriage issues for his infidelity. A lot of MCs have a way of doing that. Sometimes outright and sometimes more subtly, but those are the types that I think can do more damage than good.

It does sound like whatever else they're doing, having identified your husband's NPD diagnosis is at least not focusing on your dysregulation. We're ALL dysregulated after trauma like this, and sometimes a C will improperly "diagnose" a betrayed spouse as being a problem because of it. Almost as if we're always like that or something. If they are pointing toward communication issues or marriage problems as a *cause* of his infidelity I'd look for someone else.

I have no idea if that's what's happening, tho. I'm just responding to your comment about feeling bad afterwards sometimes and I'm hoping that's not the case. You've been here before, so I'm sure you know there's nothing you did or didn't do that caused him to make the decisions he did. I just wanted to reinforce that for you.