SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I agree with 1st wife. AI is made for a situation like this.
As a woman I automatically think anything on screen that causes a male to be aroused is porn…unless a car crash, or a gun fight, does.
It is not art. It’s depravity disguised as art, and I am not a prude. I just feel like objectifying women has been the go to in movies for a very long time. I think Europe has enough directors who can make a very sensitive, well thought out movie, without his wife, having to do something that he feels this threatened by.

Bud, I don't think that you are prepared for what she's about to do

Can you elaborate?

So let's say in the middle of shooting you are having a very hard time dealing with it and it's causing some major problems for you, what is the solution? Let's say you communicate your problems to her and now she is stuck between a rock and a hard place which may negatively affect her ability to act

She's already been contracted and if she backs out I'm sure there are significant ramifications including financially but more importantly is the possibility of having
issues with it forever

Honestly, I don't know how I'll feel during the shooting days or after it's all over. Maybe I'll be able to ignore it like I did with her previous kissing scenes, or maybe every time I think about it, it'll hurt. I genuinely don't know whether I'll be okay within a week, a month, or even a year.

I think we need to have multiple honest conversations both between ourselves and with our therapist—before signing the movie. We need to figure out what we'll do if I find it emotionally difficult during her shooting days. I don't want to wait until I'm already struggling to think about solutions.

Can we find a middle ground that protects my mental health while also supporting her career? I believe there has to be a way. Her reassurance means everything to me. More than anything, I need to feel secure that I'm still her love and that what we have is far more meaningful than anything that happens on set.

I'm not saying I'm afraid she'll have an affair or leave me—that's not even my concern. I trust her. What I'm struggling with is my jealousy. I know her co-lead is a good-looking man, and he'll get to experience moments with her that I've only ever shared with her. That's what hurts.

At the same time, I understand that the chances of anything romantic actually developing are extremely small. There will be 10–15 people on set, everything will be carefully choreographed, and in many ways, it'll probably be even more difficult for her than it is for me.

I think the only way I can truly be okay is if, deep down, I continue to feel that I'm her love, her partner, and that nothing filmed for a movie could ever compare to the life we've built together over the past 28 years. I need her reassurance to help me hold on to that.

I'm not going to watch those scenes. And I do have one request: I hope this is the first and last time she ever chooses to do a nude scene. I'm not trying to control her decisions I respect that it's her career. But I also know my own limits, and I don't think I could handle going through this over and over again without it affecting my mental health.

I'm in a similar "cards fall where they may" attitude when I say what I'm saying. I wouldn't want to say no to a legitimate opportunity. If it was too much for me to cope with, then I would break up. But I'm sure not going to control my wife's professional or artistic expression and end up divorced because she resents me

I agree with you. There are just as many reasons for me to say yes as there are to say no. If I simply say no, I'll probably feel selfish and guilty, especially because she gave me the space to be honest about what I truly want.

She's a professional actress, and this is part of her profession. To her, it's work. I also believe it's a well-written role in a good film, and I understand why this opportunity matters.

If I say no, will it break our marriage? No. Our relationship isn't so fragile that one movie could destroy it. But I also know that I could end up with an unhappy wife who, even if she never says it out loud, might secretly resent me for taking away an opportunity that we both know is significant.

On the other hand, if I say yes, I know it will affect my mental health. It will hurt, and I won't pretend otherwise. But I'm also certain that I'm not going to end our marriage because of it. I know my wife will stand by me, and I believe we'll work through it together.

What gives me hope is that before I even gave my answer, she had already started thinking about ways to help me if I said yes. That means a lot to me. We've already had two long, honest conversations, and not once did she dismiss or suppress my emotions. She acknowledged my feelings, validated them, and promised that we'd do everything possible to make sure we'd be okay. In the end, she even gave me veto power. That showed me how much she respects both me and our relationship.

At the same time, this decision isn't only about the two of us. We also have to think about our kids. Their mental health, emotional well-being, and the impact this could have on them are just as important. Whatever decision we make should protect not only our marriage but also our family as a whole.

With all this AI available I am not sure why these scenes cannot be created digitally thereby avoiding the need for "real sex"

This is actually a good idea. If AI, body doubles, or other filmmaking techniques are genuine options, I'd like to discuss them with hNy wife and the director if they're open to it

If those options can achieve the director's vision while reducing the emotional impact on both of us, they could solve a lot of problems. Of course, I also understand that I don't know what the director's creative vision is or whether those alternatives would work for the film. It's something worth discussing respectfully before making any final decision

I will answer your questions from my perspective:

How is she even considering a role where another man's mouth will be on her body?

She's looking at it as a job. Would not bother me to see my H do this, have it done to him or have it done to me. Same as a medical procedure. There are no emotions involved.

2. Is there something underneath her wanting to do this that I'm not allowed to look at directly.

If your communication is very open and you make it very safe for her (tame that jealousy monster) then she will tell you whether there is - and you will believe it because her words will "make sense to you" based on your thorough past knowledge of her. That's the closest you will get and you won't be 100% certain ever in life.

3. if we're really that (a solid couple), would she have even considered this role in the first place

My answer: Ethical Non Monogamous couples which have a very caring loving relationship with each other do this openly. You could watching some interviews with couples like this. I've seen them and I think they are incredibly solid. At the very least you will broaden your perspective.

My final thoughts on this are about Triggers. Triggers hide Hidden Fears. They are simply an invitation to explore further and not to be feared or avoided.

[This message edited by BoiledEggs at 10:07 AM, Saturday, June 27th]

I'm not saying I'm afraid she'll have an affair or leave me—that's not even my concern. I trust her. What I'm struggling with is my jealousy. I know her co-lead is a good-looking man, and he'll get to experience moments with her that I've only ever shared with her. That's what hurts.

This could be significant. One of the things most betrayed spouses suffer from is "mind movies." Mental images of their spouse with someone else. They're torturous mental images and movies of the mind that plague both men and women who've been cheated on (believe me, it's a real thing). They're very pervasive and intrusive, and can take things like EMDR therapy to get under control. While I agree this isn't an infidelity situation, you'll be in a position where there will be actual images and scenes of your wife with someone else that exist in reality. Granted, you don't have to see or watch them, but they may still exist in your imagination.

If you go through with this I think therapy could definitely be a good idea. EMDR therapy has been reported to work very well for issues like that.

[This message edited by Pogre at 12:25 PM, Saturday, June 27th]

Bud, I don't think that you are prepared for what she's about to do

Can you elaborate?

Are you prepared for seeing another man suck on your wife's tits? I don't mean to be harsh, but I can see you're trying to tell yourself over and over it's just acting...

Anyway I've said my piece and you are the only one who will know what you can or cannot live with...

Good luck

There is an alternative way of looking at this.

You can see this as either:

a) a professional actor who is just a pro doing a job and does not desire your wife, just like a gynaecologist. My gynaecologist massages my breasts for 30 seconds every check up to check for lumps and I have zero concerns about it. I also strip naked below the waist and have an intimate internal exam. He is a pro. He does it 1000s of times a year. He constitutes as much threat to you as my gynaecologist does to my H.

b) a professional actor who desires my wife. In this case you are telling yourself he is a threat. What about an alternative way of seeing it : wow my wife is so incredibly attractive that other men find her desirable and yet she's my wife. Get her home after the shoot and use that imagined libido to add huge sexual tension and learn to let go of your fears. She is home with you and not home with him after all.

[This message edited by BoiledEggs at 2:22 PM, Saturday, June 27th]

I just don't think people can choose what they're ok with like that. I've witnessed "poly" people try to convince themselves that they can transcend their jealousy with a little bit of rationalizing, and it just never works for them. They just end up in pain. It only seems to go well if they just don't experience that kind of jealousy in the first place.

I think each person's comfort level with their partner's interactions with others is just how they are, and it's important to respect and care for oneself and one's needs.

I don't think it will help if the poster invalidate his CURRENT mental experience. Which is one of fear of loss, abandonment etc. The root I think of this kind of jealousy. Very powerful feeling. It has a reason to exist.

But how about this attempt at just slightly modifying your belief system.

Ask yourself What is great about being Jealous. It certainly has its good sides. What does it say about you that is incredible and helpful for you?

Validate that.

Then say. Can I look at this differently. What are people saying here. What are possible other stories I can tell myself. Do I want to hear these?

If not that's fine. You're good. Insist that she drops the contract. You don't need the money.

If yes, dig into them and see where it takes you?

[This message edited by BoiledEggs at 9:51 AM, Sunday, June 28th]

Some semi random thoughts:

Ijust google searched on " do actresses regret doing nude scenes in movies?" and it is a long response. Highly recommend that you do the same. Also, " do actresses like doing nude scenes in movies?" That one is actually more interesting.

If it is a thoroughly steamy sex scene, then the screen grabs will make their way to the Internet in seconds.

How badly does the director want your wife to be in the picture? Is not using a body double or other method a dealbreaker?

If your wife did the scenes, but then told everybody that she used a body double or AI, how would that change things?

I would not underestimate the impact on your children of your wife’s appearing nude in the movie.

What would the dynamic be if she didn’t want to do it but you wanted her to do it and the pressure was in that direction?

I am guessing that actually filming a sex scene on a sound stage with bright lights and lots of people standing around is actually kind of gross.

I agree with the others who said she is wrong to put the decision on you. You just need to let her know where you think you stand (you’ll never really know until it actually happens) and then she makes her choice.

You’ve been heard OP. Sending strength for your choice!

@Boiledeggs
So all the men who desire her can suck her tits or even worse, as long as she is home with her husband In the evening?
Great.

I talked about this topic with my wife.
Surprisingly she had the same approach as Joshkens wife. Counseling, conversation, communication etc.
I told her that I don't care about conversation I just don't want a man to suck her tits and grab her ass.
She said, ok then there's nothing to talk about a clear no.
Then I showed her THAT scene from the movie "Intimacy" and asked if that would be okay for her as long as its professional and we can talk about it every five minutes.
She said. NEVER,HELL NO.

@Joshken ask your wife about her feelings if the roles were reversed.

And there's something else I want to add.
It's maybe only one scene but how many times they need to film it?
10-20 Times? So every time the director calls "cut" do you think the "professional" actor will immediately put his lips and especially hands of your wife assets?
Think about it.

@Shino

I hear what you're saying.

At the same time I'm not sure if you think I am wrong ...or you’re curious about why I what I think, what I think etc.

So I'll wait before answering that one

[This message edited by BoiledEggs at 3:50 PM, Sunday, June 28th]

I attend an annual fishing trip with my Brother and his Doctor friends. Believe me these guys have to reservations discussing their patients anatomy.

Not sure if this topic belongs in General and should be moved to Off Topic. There's no Infidelity here and if the Poster agrees his wife's breasts can be fondled etc.. There's still no Infidelity.

There's no Infidelity here....

Y'know ... you're right. And SI is about infidelity.