SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m about five months out from discovery, and while the affairs themselves are obviously devastating, I’m realizing that what’s hitting me even harder now is how everything happened, her behavior during the affairs and especially during discovery.

That’s the part I can’t seem to get past.

For context, this isn’t just about one bad decision or a short lapse in judgment. She had an affair before we got married, brought that person to our wedding, and I had no idea at the time. I walked into what I thought was one of the most meaningful, safe days of my life, not knowing the full reality of what was already happening behind my back.

Then fast forward years later, during discovery, while she was telling me about that affair from sixteen years ago, she was actively still involved in another one. Texting him while I was crying seconds after finding out about the first. Engaged in it. At the same time she was looking me in the eye and starting to "come clean."

That level of compartmentalization and deception is what’s really breaking me.

I keep replaying the choices she made, the lies, the way she was able to act normal, even caring, while doing something so destructive behind my back. It’s not just that she cheated, it’s that she was capable of treating me that way while I loved and trusted her completely. That’s what’s really messing with my head.

I’m trying to understand how people move forward in reconciliation when they’ve seen that side of their partner. How do you look to the future with someone who has shown they can be that version of themselves?

Right now, everything she does feels so....performative. Like she’s saying and doing the "right" things, but I can’t tell if it’s real change or just what she thinks she’s supposed to do. I want to believe it, but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s not genuine, or at least not deeply rooted.

I also struggle with the timeline of it all. It’s not just past vs present, it feels like the past was never really "past." The deception stretched across years and even overlapped with the moment of disclosure itself. That makes it really hard to feel like I’m standing on anything solid now.

For those further along, does this feeling fade? How do you separate who they were during the affairs from who they’re trying to be now? And how do you rebuild any sense of trust when your mind keeps going back to what they were capable of?

Right now I feel stuck between wanting to move forward and not being able to get past what I’ve already seen. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is part of the normal process at this stage, or if it’s my gut telling me something important that I shouldn’t ignore. I just feel angry and unable to see a future where I can accept what has been done.

For those further along, does this feeling fade? How do you separate who they were during the affairs from who they’re trying to be now? And how do you rebuild any sense of trust when your mind keeps going back to what they were capable of?

My wife is all of the things — she is an amazing person, who proved capable of hurting me and being extremely selfish. So, I don’t separate any versions or actions, I just focus on the changes she was able to make and how she treats me today.

Her big change was understanding why she needed the validation. It is the old bumper sticker, one cannot properly love others if they do not love themselves first.

The trust is rebuilt over time, with consistent, healthier behavior/real change.

It sounds like you need to see a lot more, which I certainly needed, to believe in any of those changes.

I think it was three years into R before I believed my wife’s changes were real.

The past is the past. What you do after d-day is about your future.

Five months is just the beginning. Maybe your WS is, in fact, changing from cheater to good partner. Maybe she's just trying to keep you around for her convenience. Only her behavior over time will tell you. From what I've read here and from my experience, it takes on the order of 2 years, at a minimum, to gain some comfort that one's WS has changed - but more than a few people have found they've been in false R after more like 5 years. The SI rule of thumb is 2-5 years to heal. In fact, R takes longer than that for a lot of us - but completing recovery is different from completing R.

R, IMO, is a process of resolving issues stemming from the A. M(arriage) is a process of resolving day-to-day M issues. In a very real, important sense, R is the same as M.

IMO, R is a good idea only if the WS is a good candidate for R, and texting a new ap when confessing to an old A doesn't meet hat requirement. What makes you think your WS is a good candidate for R? What are you getting out of staying? (I'm sure you have answers to these questions. I'm curious what they are, if you choose to share them.)

Here’s my two cents (and experience).

It is up to you to decide if cheating is a deal breaker. For some people it’s a very clear path and D is the only option. If that is you, then it’s good to know that now.

As others pointed out it takes 2-3 years to start to feel like you have recovered and are on solid footing.

One of the keys to successfully reconciling is the cheater’s actions. Are they consistent? Do decisions made take into account the betrayed’s feelings and/or concerns? Has communication improved? Are questions about the affair being answered honestly and openly? Is there full disclosure or continued trickle truth?

I can share I had no intention of reconciling. But within 2 weeks I saw a change in my H. And I kept thinking "let’s see how the next 30 days go". It wasn’t a straight line by any means. But my H knew there were no guarantees but he chose to attempt to make amends anyway. On his own w/ no help from me.

Luckily for us it was the right choice to R. But I had doubts in the beginning.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:54 PM, Monday, April 6th]

@sisoon

"What makes you think your WS is a good candidate for R? What are you getting out of staying?"

I am truly not sure that she is a good candidate, it all seems so performative to be honest. I think she is staying for the family unit and comfort of what I provide. The biggest thing I am getting out of staying is the mental health and stability for the children, and for myself. I do not want to be a part time father as this is not something I signed up for. I have never missed more than one week of consecutive bedtimes in their entire lives. I worry, as it has already happened, the inlaws and toxic people in her life will paint me poorly to my children in the off times. I worry the stability they need and know will be only while at "Dad's" proving to them that I am the mean, unfun one. I want the very best for them in all facets of life.

Gemmy - my FWH turned out to be a good candidate for R....but there was no way I was sure of that 5 months out. At that point, I was barely hanging on...and had so little trust. AND, FWH was figuring out how to be a good candidate for R...it was 3 steps forward and 1 step back for awhile.

It eventually boiled down to what we both did together to repair the chasm caused by the A. At 5 months out, I was just trying to survive.

IF she's not a good candidate for R, then staying for the children does them no favors.

You don't have to make a decision today....AND...you can decide that this marriage doesn't work for you at any time. Take good care of yourself. Going through this is a marathon. It will not happen as quickly as you or the WS wants.

I'm 7 years out....and I can say we are in a better than ever space. But, that couple of years, I wasn't sure about that.

Gemmy,

What you’re feeling is completely normal and I resonate with your post, I also find I need reassurance that what I feel is normal too, a lot.

You are now seeing the sheer magnitude of what your W did, the absolute treason involved and the magnitude of what she is capable of. I honestly don’t even have the words yet myself to describe how this feels but it isn’t nice at all, let yourself feel all the feels you have here, don’t suck anything up, in my experience your body will completely refuse to do that anyway and holding anything in will cause more pain.

Im 16 months out, I still feel the same discomfort with the compartmentalisation and the self deception although as time passes it’s gotten a lot better, the more you see of your changed W the better, you’ll know as time passes if she is performing.

Judging by what you’ve posted of her behavior on here, I would agree your gut is trying to tell you something.
That doesn’t mean you need to immediately get out and file divorce right now. Get yourself to the place where you can really think clearly. Past the overwhelming emotions first.
I don’t think you’ve done the whole written timeline and polygraph so far? Telling that’s what is going to happen and watching her reaction to having to jump through that hoop will also inform you and your gut about how performative she is or is not being.

Please do not stay in a marriage b/c you fear long term parental alienation. There are things you can do to counteract that situation.

I’ve seen cases where one parent played that card and when the kids became adults (18+) they realized their parent told them a bunch of lies and the kids then resented that parent. It can have a devastating effect.

Maintain those connections now (as you will have to adjust your schedule going forward). But being consistent and present will hopefully offset any attempt to bad mouth you.

I know this is hard. I’m hoping Bigger and others can weigh in with better advice.

I'm a year out. I just now bumped up my "might be a rough month" thread in this section if you want to see where my head's at right now.

I don't think you're being abnormal or anything like that at all. 5 months is a pretty short time frame from D-Day and I was just trying to put myself back together at that point. Still part of me doing that now after a year.

IDK ... my son and his XW fought like cats and dogs. Both are very skilled verbally, and they attacked each other mercilessly. Their son suffered. He suffered even more in the 2-ish years between the time they told him they were D'ing and the actual D. It was excruciating to watch.

But the D was 6-8 years ago. Our GS is more subdued now than I think he would have been if his mom and dad had treated each other better, but he has recovered. He's a junior in HS. He's doing well in school. He has chosen extra-curricular activities that please him. He has friends, and he's a good candidate for the presidency of his favorite club. He's very sweet to us, too, but he always was.

If D is in your future, I think the sooner you pull the plug, the sooner your kids will heal.

Gemmy,

Can you say a little more about these toxic people in her life? If she were to cut them out (maybe not her parents, but then again, maybe), that would be indicative of something more than window dressing.

Gemmy

My wife had a 15 year affair and to most that is a death sentence for a marriage. Putting the past behind you is not easy but it can happen. We are over 4 years out from Dday and were still working out the damage that was done but for us the ride is getting smoother. People can change from good to bad and we have both seen that with our wives, but it can go the other way to. My wife has changed and her actions have proved it. Am I 100% comfortable with it now? No, I don't think I will ever get to 100% but I can live with that. What your able to live with now is yours to decide but give it as much time as you can and let her actions speak louder than her words from here on out. Boundaries and honesty and communication are mandatory to reconcile. It takes both of you to do the work and rebuild a new relationship and marriage. I have been through much of what your going through so it can be done. But each reconciliation is unique to the two people involved and how much work and change they are willing to do. I went back and forth with the same feelings you are having for a long time but things got better with us and I don't think about it like I used to.

I hope this helped.

Lost1313

My WH was acting "to nice" after DDay.

I told him it felt phony and I hated it. I told him to stop.

Turned out, guilt was driving that behavior. About a year after DDay, there was yet another DDay, in which he finally confessed the other affairs and information he was withholding and lying about all along. And it took him another year before we could begin to have open and complete discussions about what he did and how he was feeling about it before, during, and after.

The fake "nice" stopped after that for the most part. He still does some things I don’t trust as genuine. I think that has to do with me guarding myself against what I anticipate as another DDay. I don’t know. I do know I am guarded.

Approaching the 3 year mark now.

Accepting the fact that what they did is or at least was a part of their character was the most difficult part. I had to continually accept that fact while reminding myself that his cheating was not ALL he was. For some people here cheating discounts or cancels the entire marriage and that’s understandable. It just wasn’t ever that way for me. He was a cheat. He was also a hard worker. Good provider. Fun to be around. A good (not perfect) father. If he was willing to stop his behavior and seek help I was willing to give us a go. I had nothing to lose. The cheating was a fact not going away. I didn’t want to give up the good in him or what the marriage brought me. His cheating was his problem and I was determined to make it change my life as little as possible. It hurt, yes, but giving up my life which I loved would have added to the hurt. So, I leaned in on the parts of his character that were lovable while he fixed his shit.
Early on, I struggled with thinking my life was a lie (he had a LTA) and none of it real. A therapist said something that I’ll never forget. He said "you were authentic, what happened was real, your memories are real because they were your feelings, actions, and reality. What he was doing outside those memories doesn’t change that you made them. " he then went on and asked if I was ever secretly resentful of my parents, bored on a Christmas holiday, disappointed in a gift they gave me , etc and asked if I’d told them. My answer was "well of course and of course I never told them. I always pretended to love any gift they gave me". He then asked if I thought my parents would think the entire Xmas was a lie since I wasn’t thinking what they thought I was. I think of his cheating that way albeit on a much grander more painful scale. But damn it, my life was/is real, my memories are real. My marriage was/is real. He was secretly an emotional F up , but that didn’t discount the validity of my life. Anyways, I accepted that he had some terrible character traits that I wasn’t aware of. 🤷‍♀️He was always more than his worst sin. I’d like to think I am too.

Other side of hell I liked this.

It is true that the feelings and memories from our side are real .

It’s also true that sometimes the partners who have done this are more than the infidelity.
What you said makes a lot of sense and it’s worthy if you feel it, desirable even.

The flip of the coin of why for some feels like a dealbreaker.

Can’t really tell you that, because I would like to lean towards the previous approach, she is a wonderful woman besides that horrible shit.
The woman I loved the most.

On my end I am trying to figure out why I am so detached emotionally. I need to be here because is peace, is where it aligns with my own emotions.

I recognize the truth in what you said, there is good in her and the past was true and clean from my side.
However the very fact that I never gave that to anyone else and it was shat upon might be what makes it a dealbreaker for me.

Strange I see it after the pain died, but I can’t unsee it.
She doesn’t even bother me at all, she is trying hard and making progress, I can see that, I can see the honesty and I can see the good in her.

Maybe there is just not enough good left in me?
Is not a void, my life is full and becoming ever so more fulfilling.
But it’s an emotional desert towards her, not scary and dry, more like a calm sea under the summer sun and a little breeze.

Peaceful, but she has no harbor no more.

Gemmy,

The past has significantly impact on you, because you did not know your reality. You brain is still processing all this unspeakable abuse....and trying to make sense of it.

And I have to be honest, in this case I simply don't think it ever will. The abuse was so pervasive and persistent. It was as if you now realize you have been married to someone who treated you as an arch enemy. All the while, you thought and lived as if they had your best interest in their heart.

I just read another of your posts.....the wedding events ...OH MY....I just cannot stomach that alone. But you have so much more.

Please my friend...I see your dilemma. You are man who loves. You wanted to be a husband. You wanted a wife. You wanted loyalty, devotion, connection, etc And you lived that way. Assuming you had it.

But you did not. Essentially, you were scammed. A horrible, heartbreaking, abusive scam.

I am love and believe in marriage. It is sacred. I believe in restoration. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in miracles. But my friend, I also now can see why Jesus, who commands forgiveness and promotes restoration....has permitted divorce as legitimate.

There are cases where the divorce will work His will. It is beyond me to understand this, probably beyond anyone. But I suggest you really seek Him and ask for peace in your heart as to the right decision.

Sometimes the consequences simply are just too great to practically overcome in the bounds of our reality.

Forgiveness can happen in the context of a marriage ending ...I want you to know that too.

Lord bless you.🙏

The magnitude of the pain is impressive. For several years it just seems to keep getting bigger as your brain lets in the extra stuff if kept hidden in denial until you were ready to face it. Then you look around and all your memories are razed to the ground. At that point you can begin to rebuild. I think you have to hit rock bottom first. It has been almost 4 years since "d-day" on events of 10 years ago. I think I might have hit rock bottom a year ago. Thinking of his behavior at the time can still leave me dumbfounded and in shock. I think they are truly delusional inside their compartments. I don’t know if that makes it better. He is a vastly better human being today. That year when the cheating occurred and the many times "over the years" that he continued to lie and deceive in order to hide the past showed me a version of my husband I had hoped did not exist. Maybe we all have those parts. I am still trying to figure out what to do with my knowledge of this dark side. It is a lot to move on from. It takes so much generosity of spirit from both parties to truly reconcile. It is definitely not for the faint of heart.