SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Me and WS have been together for 2 years, and have a 8 month old together. In February this year he started an affair with a work colleague, when our baby was just 6 weeks old. My dad was diagnosed unexpectedly with terminal cancer and died 7 weeks later. On the night of the day he died, WS went with AP on a night out and slept with her in a hotel room. I needed him so badly as my world had just fell in on itself, instead I drove 4 hours to a hotel with our baby just so I wasn't on my own. He wasn't there in the coming weeks for me, he was off with her all the time. Causing arguments so he could go and be with her. Leaving me alone with our newborn so he could see her. Sleeping with her in her car in my dad's t designer t shirts. I asked him to come back early from his night out so I could take my mom to the funeral directors to see my dad at 11am. H didn't arrive home until 3pm. It's a pain which still haunts me. DD was 2 days before my dad's funeral. I haven't been the same since I found out. I don't laugh or go out the house anymore. I went to my dad's funeral alone, and he started mediation proceedings against me for our 2 month old as he wanted 50/50. He showed no remorse, was very cold and it made the whole thing worse. He chased after her but after she found out about me and didn't want him back, he came back to me. I had him back as I didn't want to split my baby due to having awful separation anxiety. I developed PTSD that I'm receiving counselling for, and the affair is on my mind all day everyday.

6 months later, he's a changed man. His attitude has changed and he's been in tears many of times apologising. He doesn't go out anymore (his choice as he recognises it makes me anxious, not something I agree with as I want us to have our own lives but it's his decision) calls me on every lunch break, and is committed to trying to make our relationship work.

However his nan sadly passed away a few weeks ago very suddenly, which has crushed his world. This has selfishly bought up a lot of feelings from my own dad's passing. Whenever he cries on me, is being there for his family, being the person I needed him to be for them... it hurts so much. I'm desperately trying to be the person for him that I needed but it's bringing up so much anger in me. I feel like an awful partner as I just can't be there for him, and so selfish. This isn't about me at all - he's asked me to come to the funeral to support him, however I'm really struggling with it due to my own selfish reasons because he wasn't there for me and put me through hell when I needed him most.

I feel like such a cow writing this. I'm once again sat sobbing wishing I could be better for him. I never got to mourn my dad because of all of the crap he was doing, I had nobody. We have so many ups in our relationship but this has just torn me apart. I'm starting to wonder if this is fixable because I have so much anger, and his nan passing away has just made me realise how bad those feelings are still there.

It really does feel as if life's "on hold" while surviving infidelity. It's hard enough trying to put yourself back together without additional stresses and sorrows. Losing a parent is tough and I'm sorry for your loss.

I don't fault you one bit for being angry that your WS is leaning on you for support. Pisses me off just reading your post.

You're not being selfish, a horrible person, or whatever else.

I’m so sorry for the pain and trauma of the loss of your dad along with the loss of your marriage and spouse in the form of his horrible betrayal. That is a huge load to carry. I sincerely hope that you have a great IC to help your work through all of the many layers of tremendous loss and betrayal here.

Have you expressed all of this to your WH? Seriously, you seem to feel that you owe it to him to be supportive, but how on earth could that be expected given the circumstances? If you don’t share all of the tremendous triggering pain you’re feeling at the loss of your own grieving process for your dad, how can you have a real relationship and reconciliation. And you need to share with him how much grief and loss of your own marriage and the future that you thought you would have you are suffering too.

I realize that you are thinking like a compassionate person and thinking that he needs to be able to focus on his grief right now, but you are actually protecting him from the consequences of his own horrible actions right now at your own expense, and that is probably why you are feeling the way you are. He needs to know that this pain never goes away for you and that it invades every situation like this.

Gently, your grief is not less fresh than his. He should be just as supportive of you struggling through your grief over multiple huge losses as you are expecting yourself to be of his current grief. If he can’t equally be there for you—albeit very very damned late—how can you hope to rebuild anything?

As difficult as it may be, I’d recommend that you tell him all of the things that you’re feeling and that you aren’t able to be there for him emotionally in the way he is expecting because of what he has done. If he can’t see and accept that, he hasn’t really accepted the cost of what he’s done.

You are the victim here. Please don’t take on responsibility for making things better for him. He has to grow up and manage his own emotions better than he did before. He’s a dad and a husband. Putting it on you to soothe and comfort him after what he’s done is not okay.

Please take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself right now. This is triggering all of your trauma and loss hard. You deserve to be supported too.

Hugs to you.

So sorry for your losses on top of the infidelity and having a new baby. That's a lot of stress. Be kind to yourself during this time.

Your feelings are valid and understandable. If you're thinking of staying with your WH, then consider sharing your feelings with him.

I'd suggest telling him every single feeling you are dealing with and don't hold back one little bit. Until a BS can believe the WS truly understands the F'ing hell the BS went thru / is going thru, R cannot happen IMO.

You have NO duty to spare/protect his feelings. May sound cruel but I felt better when my wife would curl up next to me in bed and ball her eyes out, tell me how horrible she feels about herself, how horrible she feels about the pain she caused me. At times I had ZERO desire to do anything that might make her feel better. I could have, I knew what I could do/say, but honestly IMO she needed to feel like s*it about herself.

For a while I just laid there, letting her cry, not saying a word, because in the past (pre affair) my instinct had always been to do something to make her feel better, to help, to fix, sometimes at my own expense. Now, I consider myself first, my needs/wants/desires. At times this makes me feel selfish but when you constantly set aside yourself for another you are eventually taken for granted :/

"TBH, at this point in our relationship, I just do not have the energy nor the desire to help you deal with your pain of your mom's passing. You will NEVER understand how abandoned I felt. You will never understand the HELL I went thru, dealing with our newborn AND my father's death while YOU were off banging your girlfriend.

For now and the foreseeable future I will be focusing on taking care of myself and our child. I will be making changes in myself and this 'relationship' that are in my best interests. How you deal with those changes, that's up to you, but your needs, wants, desires, etc are VERY far down on my list of priorities and will be for a VERY long time.

So, sorry about your mum, but I have to put myself first for now."

He made big boy choices, now he gets big boy consequences. I would make it a priority to look him in the eyes and say "I never got to mourn my father's passing because of you. Where were you the day my father died? (Make him say where he was) And what were you doing? (Make him say it)
So you asking me to help you with your mum's passing, to comfort you, I'm just not capable of that right now."

You have no duty to set your feelings aside for him. I would suggest going to the funeral service together as a family though. His mum wasn't part of the affair and assumeably she deserves the respect of your appearance

Double tap

[This message edited by WB1340 at 7:29 AM, Thursday, October 2nd]

You have NO duty to spare/protect his feelings. May sound cruel but I felt better when my wife would curl up next to me in bed and ball her eyes out, tell me how horrible she feels about herself, how horrible she feels about the pain she caused me. At times I had ZERO desire to do anything that might make her feel better. I could have, I knew what I could do/say, but honestly IMO she needed to feel like s*it about herself.

Cold, but I'd be lying if I say that's not very close to my feelings and what has actually happened in our bed, more than once.

"TBH, at this point in our relationship, I just do not have the energy nor the desire to help you deal with your pain of your mom's passing. You will NEVER understand how abandoned I felt. You will never understand the HELL I went thru, dealing with our newborn AND my father's death while YOU were off banging your girlfriend.

For now and the foreseeable future I will be focusing on taking care of myself and our child. I will be making changes in myself and this 'relationship' that are in my best interests. How you deal with those changes, that's up to you, but your needs, wants, desires, etc are VERY far down on my list of priorities and will be for a VERY long time.

So, sorry about your mum, but I have to put myself first for now."

He made big boy choices, now he gets big boy consequences. I would make it a priority to look him in the eyes and say "I never got to mourn my father's passing because of you. Where were you the day my father died? (Make him say where he was) And what were you doing? (Make him say it)
So you asking me to help you with your mum's passing, to comfort you, I'm just not capable of that right now."

You have no duty to set your feelings aside for him. I would suggest going to the funeral service together as a family though. His mum wasn't part of the affair and assumeably she deserves the respect of your appearance

I'm on board with this. Especially the bolded part. I don't think that's unreasonable at all, but as a BS I also have to acknowledge my bias in this situation.

Honestly – I think your emotions are connected to the fact he failed the safe-partner test...

The first years of marriage are years of discovery. Part of that discovery is realizing how the partner supports you or reacts in crisis. Life is full of them, and they are relative. Like if you have never had a serious car crash then a fender-bender can be the end of the world to you. Inevitable over the years you will encounter a plethora of crisis; flooding in the house, illness, job-loss, being passed for promotion, kids sick, financial issues, car issues, fall-outs with friends and family, deaths... What you want at these times is the same as you wanted as a kid – at that time you might run to mum or dad for support. Now it’s your husband. The same one that was weak at the birth of your baby, the same one that was cheating at the death of your dad. He failed the safe-partner test.

Now HE needs support – and you are consciously or sub-consciously wondering if it will turn out to be your role to be the sole "powerhouse" of the family. Instead of offering mutual support, then it will always be you that has to be the strong one and handle the issues.
So now if you have issues at work – whom will you lean towards? Who will support you? Whom can you trust to have your back?
He failed that test – for now. You question if he will meet the standard later on.

It’s been shown through research that trauma can create divorce. Like health-problems with kids might make a couple work together for some time, but eventually pushes them apart. One would expect the opposite – that adversity would push people together.

I’m not going to tell you to end this marriage, nor am I suggesting you reconcile. I do however think that you should verbalize your concerns to him and see his reactions. Ask him the important question: How can I expect to rely on you during life’s inevitable crisis when this is what you have shown me to date?