SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I have a story to tell but I am too shattered to post much of it right now. I never posted DDay 1.

I 47m have been married to 47F WS 23 years with 3 boys all in their teens. Found out a month ago my wife had been having an affair from just after the 20 year mark (let's call it 3 years of infidelity whether physical or emotional). I had all of their texts, 150k of them and so could piece together the relationship. I could see that it fizzled out romantically last year with some minor flare ups.

OM was her boss. She brought him close to our family, had him meet my parents. Basically became a like an uncle to the point where he is their legal guardian if we pass away in some horrible accident.

I have been a total mess, am suffering PTSD etc. Am in counselling, have consulted a lawyer. Forums like this have been helpful I guess. Work is a struggle, I have to take off to the bathroom a few times a day to chill out and rebalance.

After I found out I took a few days, started counselling immediately and got prepped for legal separation. It was only after confronting WS that I found that the affair had fizzled out and their relationship was more friends than anything (OM wants more, she has been deflecting). I was and am willing to pursue reconciliation for what that's worth and she went NC immediately.

She wasn't veryempathetic in the beginning. I have had to "teach" her about the impact her behaviour had on me (I think sobbing in the shower might have told her something wasn't right). I had a 180 conversation with her to which she agreed. She has come to understand that keeping OM around was poor and I've been looking for MC but been a bit slow about it. We have been closer, spedning time together, lots of intimacy so while I felt terrible day to day, I was optimistic.

Last night I checked her phone while she was in the shower. NC has been maintained, but there was OOM in her history that I had sorta wondered about.

The walls came crashing in.

I haven't gone through all the details, but years prior she had been sexting this guy. Extremely graphic. She claims it was just chat. I don't have any opportunity to get harder evidence but I also don't need it. Emotional or physical it was further infidelity.

So now I've got to pick up the pieces again. I should run for the hills but don't feel like I can do that. Yet. I should kick her out. I may still. Just processing right now.

I deserve better. So do my boys.

In a strange way it makes me feel better about affair #2. It wasn't a one-off. She has a problem. I knew the affair wasn't my fault but felt like maybe I had opened the door. Now I really know that.

MC is booked (not sure there is a point, but it's a big call for me to throw everything away) and she is going to do IC.

As for me, I guess I need to get an STI test

Be clear on what to expect in MC and the limitations as far as infidelity is concerned.
It’s neither the marriage nor you that’s cheating and sexting other people. It’s your wife. Taking her to MC is like taking three buckets to the well (you, your wife and the marriage) and trying to fill them all – despite the big hole in the bottom of the bucket marked "wife". Doesn’t matter how well the other two might function – you will never get three full buckets.

The only advantage right now with MC might be to improve your communications. Plus – if you get an MC with the right attitude towards infidelity (total accountability, not the marriages fault, not your fault etc) then it MIGHT help.

What is needed is that your wife sees a need to change. Most of us would recommend IC for her to do that. However – the first step is for her to acknowledge that what she is doing is wrong and unreasonable.

IF you go to MC then it might be best to go there with the stance that you can’t accept your wife is having repeated affairs, that there is a serious level of distrust, a lack of empathy, and that you question the sustainability of the marriage. That the goal of MC is to possibly create a neutral ground for the both of you to discuss how to proceed – even if that is divorce. Go there to improve communications and not to save the marriage. Divorce or reconciliation is then a byproduct of that.

So sorry you are facing the fall out of her multiple treasons. It was painful to read and Im sure 1000 x more painful to experience.

Based on what youve posted, your ww is thousands of miles away from remorse imo. She still has an affinity for her boss. Doesnt understand your pain (often the case with nonremorseful traitors). All the while carrying on another affair (how many others are there that you havent yet uncovered?).

Gently but firmly, theres not much to work with here imo. You cannot reconcile for the both of you. I know, I tried for years and stayed far too long (I was a young, ill prepared husband and father who said much the same as you and paid a terrible price before it all ended).

Here is a post tbat I started some time ago where I listed many of the mistakes I made as a newly betrayed husband which includes tremendous input from other posters.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/663153/behaviors-that-are-not-helpful-productive-for-newly-betrayeds/

It may prove helpful and is worth a read.

You posted:

I deserve better. So do my boys.

I affirm this declaration. Yes you do. So do your boys. Sadly, the steps needed to move forward into a new and deserved reality involves more pain. Maybe the largest being the death of a dream, however, I can attest to the fact that there can be a wonderful life on the other side. The old saying is apropros, "You can't grab hold until you let go."

Strength, wisdom, peace snd healing to you.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 2:20 PM, Wednesday, October 1st]

Thank you all, some hard learned wisdom in there. That has given me a lot to think about.

Do Lê tracion's link sounds worryingly parallel

Her lack of truthfulness has just been made abundantly clear. Your finding out new details or info re-sets the clock on your healing.

I would suggest that you replace MC with a counselor for yourself. Someone to help YOU navigate this process of healing, trauma, rage, self esteem hit etc.

Please know that nothing you or didn’t do caused her to cheat. I have a particular problem or bias with cheaters who parade the affair partner (AP) around in front of their spouse or partner.

Maybe because I was in that position so I know what it’s like. And how much it affects the betrayed.

It’s ok to decide to R now but a year or two or five down the road to change your mind. You are not obligated to stay married if you are not happy or you just no longer love your spouse.

Now that the rose colored glasses are off, you will start to view her and things in your marriage very differently. I used to give in in things to avoid a fight with my H. Now I will never back down and compromise unless it’s a minor issue or I want to compromise on something that is not serious or major in our lives.

Lessons learned from being a former doormat who allowed it to happen. Things are very different in our marriage now. And if my former cheating H doesn’t like it, he knows where the door is. And I would help him pack too.

My point is that there are aspects of your marriage that will be different now. And if you don’t feel she’s making amends or remorseful or giving it 100%, you need to address it immediately. And if it still doesn’t meet your needs or expectations then you will start to wonder if its worth staying married to her.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:24 PM, Wednesday, October 1st]

DT, I read some of that post. And you are the poster child why I think EMDR is so important to finally learning coping skills.
Of course we all use that semi joke…Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result…but it isn’t a joke. It is the damaged child running the show on into adulthood. There are several things I write about over and over. The first is that we bring everything we have ever experienced into adulthood. The second is to get the kind of therapy that meets your specific needs and third to get out of infidelity as soon as possible. I mentioned this on another post but everyone needs to spend about 20 minutes watching Dr Nadine Burke Harris on childhood traumas and the lifelong damage they do. Getting out allows you to begin healing. You cannot do it in the middle anxiety driven chaotic thoughts. You heal when the thing, or person, no longer has the power to hurt you. Learning to say a very loud NO is a good start. Letting go of pipe dreams that if only you do this then they will do that. You don’t have that much power.

Bigger and his analogies and Dobletraicion’s "You can’t grab on till you let go"—Chef’s Kiss.

Your WW has a serious problem(s) that’s going to possibly require quite lengthy, comprehensive IC to get definitive results. She’s going to need to champion this effort with determination and you’re going to have to make quite the investment of time to see results-if any.

She may not have the ability to see this through. She may lack the prerequisites such as: empathy, humility, true remorse, the ability for honest introspection, the desire and determination to change, etc.

Vet her IC well. Watch for the signs that her and IC are not making satisfactory progress. Don’t let fear keep you from appreciating these signs.

I was so afraid of divorce. I had 23 years, three young kids, and a completely commingled life and finances that kept me from appreciating the signs, the red flags. I languished for two precious years in crap reconciliation and wish I had that time back.

Looking back, the red flags were painfully obvious. My ExWW’s conduct post divorce has left me wishing I had the entire 25 years back, has made me wonder who the hell I was married to that whole time.

Don’t deprive yourself of being truly loved, or…living a harmonious, free, fulfilling and authentic life alone.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:56 PM, Wednesday, October 1st]

Thank you all. This is very helpful. I am in IC and it has been comforting. Got me to a place where I could do the 180. I found practicing with chatgpt helpful in preparing for the discussion.

Ws says she recognises her problem and is going to do I but I agree on warning signs and no longer being a doormat. There is a lot of truth in the other thread about being too nice and a white knight.

Sharing here has made me feel better. Wish I had posted earlier.

I would skip the MC for several months, stick with IC. Until she is able to fix/find whatever is broken/missing inside her, R is a long shot.

Focus on yourself and the kids. Let her prove to you that she is worth you keeping her around. Let her know divorce is an option for you and will be for a while.

Do Lê tracion's link sounds worryingly parallel

Well, if you find some helpful/instructive commonality in that post, then I hope it will strengthen your resolve to do what needs to be done.

Dealing with infidelity is so draining. It can syphon vitality to the point of exhaustion and leave you in a fog of indecision. Sometimes, other's insights about similar experiences can cut through that effect. Thats part of the benefit of this place. You are not alone. Not by a long shot.

Try your best to avoid the misteps I made while "dealing" with my first wifes treason. Every one of those deliniated points were paid for in angst and tears.

Dont let her betrayal and its fall out dictate the direction of your life any longer. Take control. See an attorney and find out your rights in your state. Spend not another moment trying to "fix her". You can do it.

I’m going to jump on the no marriage counseling yet train. Marriage counselors look for problems in the marriage. And more often than not, their approach is "what did you do wrong to make her cheat." Which is complete bullshit. But that’s the wheelhouse they are coming from.
Your biggest strides will happen once you accept that out of a barrel of Tiffany diamonds, you accidentally took out a yellow, tool quality diamond. It’s up to you to decide whether to throw it in the gutter, or give her a rag and compound and tell her to get to polishing.

When I first discovered my wife's infidelity, it was like I had completely shattered into a million pieces. We stumbled through reconciliation, including marriage counseling almost immediately. We went to about five or six sessions. It wasn't entirely helpful for any other reason than having a mediator between us while we hashed out what had happened and where to go from here. We did decided to reconcile and do the hard work, and three years later I'm glad we did, but I've learned from the forums since that I shouldn't have done marriage counseling right away. As a matter of fact, a year later I went through her messages and google search history from that time period while she slept. The searches immediately following my telling her I knew were telling.

The very first message she sent following confrontation was to a friend from work where she had met the AP:
"It's an emergency - call me"

First google search: "emergency marriage counseling"

And then there were the searches that happened in the weeks leading up to it...

"How to go in dark mode on instagram"
"hidden messages on instagram"
"can you have secret conversations on instagram"
"instagram prototypes snapchat"
"snapchat messages on instagram"
"list of suicides in the 21st century"
"100 celebrities who committed suicide"
"famous people who commit suicide"
"when your marriage makes you suicidal"
"the role of marriage in suicide"
"how to know if you are depressed"

Someday I'll find the nerve to bring these up to her and how I've been holding onto it for so long. But recovery has been going well. She isn't the same person she was during that time period. We searched out our demons and have spent three years learning how to fight them. We've found happiness again.

But this will never go away. I will never be able to live a single day without some aspect of this encroaching into my thoughts.

The point I was trying to make is that some of this goes so much deeper than you might even be aware of. You don't truly know what you're forgiving. Marriage counseling is about trying to find forgiveness to keep the marriage together. You likely aren't at that point yet if you don't believe you know everything she's done to you.

Take some time to process first. A month is a drop in the bucket. This will be the biggest thing on your mind for a long time, so you need to know you're making the most informed decision. You might want to start gathering evidence just in case.