SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

To those who have cheated and get the privilege of receiving a second chance, don’t blame your spouse for not forgiving you soon enough. You cheated, you made choices to end the relationship, to jeopardize their health by having sex with someone else and not telling them. Things aren’t ever going to be how they were before the affair. You feel awful about what you did, but you don’t have any right to tell your partner it’s their responsibility. It’s not, not anymore. You chose someone else, that is your responsibility to deal with. You may never be forgiven, and that is the price you pay for cheating.

Also, if the kids were involved and had a relationship with AP, congratulations on manipulating them for your own selfish benefit. You both used kids to allow your affair, that’s a special level.

But sure you want your family now, because you see what AP really is. Remember, you both are cheaters, and it doesn’t matter if AP was everything they pretended to be.

So, be patient and kind, and understand that the betrayed will need a long time, and of you love them as you claim, then know it’s not punishment, just consequences

Well stated.

I hope it's ok for me to post here as a fWS.

Everything you said is absolutely true and it was the hardest thing for me to accept as I began doing the work on myself.

I was raised in a family environment that was reward-based. If I just do the right thing, I'm a "good boy" and will get praised/rewarded for it. One of the worst problems with that fucked-up system was the definition of "the right thing" was a constantly moving goalpost.

Having to accept the fact that I could do everything "right" in R and my BW could still pull the plug and walk away was one of the biggest personal mountains I had to climb. Thank Heaven for a great IC who helped me through that. He made me see that I was worth doing the work for, to be my best self regardless of anyone else or any "reward".

Thank you for your post. I really needed to read it this morning.

[This message edited by SkipThumelue at 12:32 PM, Wednesday, October 1st]

I hope you are (finally!) at the point where you have decided to cut yourself free from your toxic Ww.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 10:29 AM, Thursday, October 2nd]

Forgiveness might not be a requirement for remaining married, but personally, I think it's a requirement for genuine reconciliation.

An imbalanced relationship where the formerly cheating spouse is permanently on the shit-end of the stick is unsustainable in the long-term. At a certain point, the BS needs to make peace with the past and start treating the WS as an equal partner, rather than lording over them from a moral high ground for their rest of their lives.

If that isn't possible-- and in your case, HINHF, I don't see how it could be-- then you need to be honest with yourself and your wife. In fact, I would go so far as to say that while it might possible remain in a loveless marriage, a marriage without respect is doomed.

It is not a requirement for anything. They are lucky that you did not kick them to the curb.

Any notable developments, friend?