SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Reconciliation is a marathon, not a sprint. For most couples, it takes at least two years to reconcile, often longer.

It seems that I sparked a bit of controversy with the above comment in a reply to a new member's questions about the one year mark. Since I wanted to avoid thread-jacking, I took it to General.

Ever since I joined, members have always written that it takes 2-5 years to reconcile a marriage after infidelity. In general, I've seen this estimate validated by too many members to recall.

There is a huge caveat to this, however, that I think bares mentioning.

It seems to me that by the start of the third year most betrayed spouses have reached the point at which they know whether or not reconciliation is still heading in the right direction. For those whose efforts are baring fruit, it may still take more time to get there, even years.

For those betrayed spouses, as their third year begins, who do not feel or think that reconciliation is going well, believing that it might take a few more years can be dangerously misleading.

I've often (way too often) read from betrayed spouses in R who've reached their limit during their third year. For any number of reasons, their WS is unwilling or unable to do the work. Some see the writing on the wall and act accordingly. Others, for a myriad of reasons, keep plodding along.

These stories of false reconciliation have often made me wonder if there's a reasonable caveat to make when telling new members about this 2-5 year estimation.

At what point does the window of opportunity close? In other words, how long does it take to reasonably assess a WS as a candidate for R?

I think it is when the bs realizes that they can’t live in agony another minute. I also think some ws realize their affair was an exit affair but guilt kept them from leaving. Tearing apart all that goes into the many binding ties will be horrible. The person who can leave without a backward glance probably has been so miserable that getting out is freedom. Or, even in a scary scenario, the ws might be sociopathic enough to brush their hands off with no guilt. Whatever the reason I almost never read about someone being happy about the breakdown of a relationship.

In my opinion, any attempt to timestamp reconciliation is tricky. I’m not saying that the 2-to-5-year mark is not a valid statement, but it wasn’t how it worked for my wife and I. It took much, much longer. Not because we didn’t both work hard at the effort. We did but were poorly equipped to know the path forward. I still find it hard to say, 32 years post D-day, that we are "fully reconciled". I see it as we are in a state of reconciliation that will be always part of our life together. We are both happy and find joy being with each other, however, there looms memories and triggers that make one feel as if reconciliation is not complete.

My reasoning is based on my personal experience so it may only be applicable to myself and my wife. I would have said 5 years out from my wife’s disclosure that we were reconciled. Then another 5 years out, when suddenly, it dawned on me that I didn’t know if my children, whom I love dearly, are biologically mine. At that moment the clock reversed its course and ticked us back into a non-reconcilable state of being. I finally had to accept that I’d never fully know the extraordinarily painful answer. To reconcile with not ever truly knowing was more difficult than to reconcile over the affair.

I guess what I’m attempting to suggest is that reconciliation, like love, is a difficult word to nail down its meaning. Plus, what you thought was behind you can flip itself to the foreground forcing both individuals into more hard work due to something unthought out in the 2 to 5 year mark.

"I see it as we are in a state of reconciliation that will be always part of our life together. We are both happy and find joy being with each other, however, there looms memories and triggers that make one feel as if reconciliation is not complete."

This is where I am at 18 months. I still have things come up that make me once again second guess if I am capable of letting go of the distrust, once again trusting, and being able to believe that all of my wife's efforts to reconcile have been genuine. When I see her phone laying around my first instinct is to look through it. And sometimes I do and it bothers me that I think this way but I think this way because of the affair

Just the other day we were talking and she said it is unlikely that she could ever do something like this again and I glared at her. In the past her statements have always been she could NEVER do something like this again because of the pain it inflicted on me. I called her out on what I saw as a change of position. I said you switched from saying never to saying unlikely and to me unlikely is the same as maybe. She said in the videos and books she watched and read the advice was to never speak in absolutes because the BS cannot take faith in your words

I said when you say you could never do this again,that is the correct thing to say. Saying unlikely is the worst thing you can say especially when in the past you used the word never

And it's things like this that keep me wondering about the future of our reconciliation. I have told my wife repeatedly it's a minimum of two years and quite possibly several years before someone can once again have faith in the WS. It happens at my pace and if it's taking too long or if she believes we are not making progress she knows she can leave

For me, I actually went as far as I thought I could with R by the end of year two.

My wife was doing everything possible to work on herself and the M, I worked hard on, I just hit an emotional barrier, I had nothing left in the old tank.

My wife understood when I said I think this is going to be too much for me, and over the next couple days, as I gathered my things and packed up, we kept being nice to each other anyway. We kept talking anyway. And, we sort of built our new path forward, one day at a time. We still do years later.

Something about the idea of being good either way -- R or D -- is liberating.

I think all of us kind of know when we reached our limits, regardless of the path we're aiming for.

So, I get the 2-5 years for RECOVERY for sure, but I don't know if there is a deadline on the window of opportunity.

I also love the phrase window of opportunity, for all of us.

We all hate infidelity, but it does offer a reset or in some cases a redo -- or a bit of both.

When I moved forward, whether I stayed in the M or not, I knew some aspects of life were over. I wasn't ever going to compromise again or play the emotional games people play to get by -- I kind of wear it all on my sleeve all the time. I like that part of the reset. I like our revised and rebuilt M too.

Maintaining a healthy marriage is hard work, a lifestyle. Reconciling a marriage ravaged by infidelity…

It’s going to be exhausting even for the most remorseful WS’s, especially for those who don’t incorporate R into a new way of life. Many WS make the mistake of thinking "time cures all wounds", and bide their time, sometimes with minimal or progressively decreasing effort, thinking that things will eventually return to normal. Sometimes, as Coolet2here mentioned, the WS realizes it WAS an exit affair, not "just a mistake". Sometimes they throw in the towel, disappointed in the progress of their R, believing the damage they caused must be irreparable, and decide to cut their losses and make a fresh start. Sometimes the WS is doing everything right and it’s the BS who is failing to progress.

The crucible of R can break the WS who’s not absolutely committed, those unprepared, those unfit or poorly counseled. The ravages of infidelity can be an unrealized deal breaker for some BS’s who don’t come to terms with it until months to years later.

Would be nice if "reconciliation" was unequivocally defined.

I think best way to define is "decide to stay married" - leaves out the question/subject of quality of relationship/happiness/marriage relations.

The one that always irks me is those who "Stayed for the Kids." So, you teach your kids to accept - (fill in your choices)

Marathon? Sort of but more like a backpack hike of the Appalachian trail. -with lots of bad weather along the way.

Tip of the hat to those who stay and find being married good again. (thinking OldWounds)

Complacency. I think at some point the wayward hits that earlier than the betrayed. So they go from never to I don’t think I would. Remember they had a very different experience with it. They see you doing tickety boo and think it’s all going good. A couple of triggers here and there but easy to manage. So we start down the road of complacency. Until we hit the next wake-up call. We lack discipline in our busy lives. Creating time to make a marriage work is hard work in itself. I don’t think for me if was ever a time based recovery. It’s something you lived through then lived with. The living with is the recovery. It’s just there. How it’s going to effect me today is anybody’s guess. But I do think the WS has a compressed timeline and a very different point of reference for the whole situation. The BS is left holding the bag of shit afterwards wondering where to dispose of it and the WS is saying isnt our marriage so great now. With the betrayed thinking sure it is but I don’t think you will ever get what it cost me to make you feel better. So timelines? Nah it’s something you live with. It’s nothing I’m going to heal from. Like getting cancer and taking the chemo. It goes into remission. But your always waiting for it to rear its ugly head.
How long for a WS to be a candidate for recovery? They are always being scrutinized because like alcoholism they are always an alcoholic who is always in recovery when on the wagon. So for my wife it was a lot of getting back on the wagon and then falling off. But if you’re seeing movement forward then there is hope. I think if hope is there then the timeline is a sliding scale.

While the reconciliation process is ongoing, what often ends up happening (IMO) is that there is a complete re-evaluation process that occurs.

Meaning you now re-evaluate your spouse as a person you wish to remain in your life. The rose colored glasses are off and you are seeing the cheater and the marriage/relationship in a whole new light.

You may have reconciled to the cheating/affair. You come to accept it happened as the betrayed spouse.

But the harder part is the fact that trust is broken, you see the cheater very differently and you are searching for signs that there is something worth salvaging.

And the cheater is being held accountable in ways that often didn’t occur pre-Dday. Quite honestly it’s exhausting And the betrayed is trying to heal themselves b/c there is only so much the cheater can do to heal the broken heart and make amends.

I can honestly say R (for me) was a complete re-evaluation of my life and what I needed going forward. I’m a very different person post dday2.

Year 3 of R was the turning point and I focused solely on me, not him or the marriage. He was already doing everything possible to make amends, etc. so I was at a point where I could be focused on me.

It seems to me that by the start of the third year most betrayed spouses have reached the point at which they know whether or not reconciliation is still heading in the right direction.

This is interesting - it definitely holds true for me. At the 1 year mark, I was deeply unhappy, but WS was finally taking real action, and I was willing to give him more time. As I approached the 2 year mark, I evaluated everything that had happened since dday1, and I realized that I was miserable. I would've gutted it out until our kid finished high school, but then an opportunity arose to live separately without having to disclose anything to the kid, and I couldn't resist taking it.

The 3 year antiversary is coming up in a few weeks. There's a good chance we'll have started paperwork for a divorce by then.

Complacency. I think at some point the wayward hits that earlier than the betrayed.

Not my experience. I recovered and completed my R work 2.5-4 years in. My W still had work to do. Now, 15 years out, I'm somewhat complacent about another A, but not about our M.

So they go from never to I don’t think I would.....

I rarely say 'never', and I don't like hearing it. The only way I've stayed faithful is that I always knew I could stray, so I kept myself straight. My W did, too, until she didn't. I believe everyone can cheat, so I do not believe 'never again'.

*****

Like Oldwounds, I think in terms of 2-5 years to recover. R is more and different work and probably lasts longer than recovery does.

But it's a rule of thumb, not a rule. It's fuzzy enough that it implies, IMO, that there's LOTS of variation, and it implies some people take less time and some people take more.

Sure, at first, I took it as a good estimate, but after a year, I knew it was at best a SWAG and maybe just a guess. Recovery and R take as long as they take.

OTOH, I think 2 years is an important milestone. I can see faking R behavior for 6 months. Two years requires a lot more from the WS than 6 months do, IF the BS keeps monitoring their WS and themselves. If the BS has doubts about wanting R when they're 2 years out, that's a problem for R. If the WS isn't meeting the right requirements, that's a problem for R. If one or both partners stop doing the work that's necessary to keep a relationship healthy (i.e., gets complacent (good work, jm)), that's a problem for R.

But 2 years is also enough time to build the habits that keep relationships healthy. It's enough time to make it unlikely that a couple will abandon those habits.

So 2 years is a good test of a couple's commitment to R, IMO. and it's long enough to make R the new way of life for a couple.

*****

IDK how long WSes need to become good candidates for R. I don't even have a good guess. My W became a good candidate on d-day. I don't know how long I'd have waited, But I have a sense that some Rs have been successful and rewarding even though it took months for the WS to start the necessary work with a commitment to go as long as necessary.

My guess, though, is if R hasn't taken hold by the end of 2 years from the last d-day, I believe I'd recommend rethinking R.

At what point does the window of opportunity close? In other words, how long does it take to reasonably assess a WS as a candidate for R?

IMHO this is a far too generic a question for something so personal and individual.

That being said - proven behavior over time knowing you have the right to change your mind at any time.

For those betrayed spouses, as their third year begins, who do not feel or think that reconciliation is going well, believing that it might take a few more years can be dangerously misleading.

The bad assumption is that 5 years is when reconciliation is working. 5 years seems to be when many BS whose WS aren't doing the work finally give up.

At what point does the window of opportunity close? In other words, how long does it take to reasonably assess a WS as a candidate for R?

Every situation is slightly different. There are many BS that never give the WS any opportunity. Some of those may take them 1-2 years to come to that realization. First six months to a year is spent in shock and maybe a bit of hysterical bonding. After that I would hope that the BS is getting to a point where they can rationally consider what happened and what they want going forward.

Do people really have clarity about why they want to reconcile? I didn't want to reconcile, I just didn't have the money or health to leave. I do accept those and "staying for the kids" as reasons to stay - I know not everyone does, but I can certainly understand when there are children, or a lot of property or social standing people want to try to make it work out, but in general without kids or some real financial or health issues, I don't understand why people reconcile. How can you ever really trust this person again or want to have a marriage again with someone who betrayed you, often badly or for many years? Why not say, this is over, I don't want to go through this pain, end it and restart your life? If you're young enough there may be a better person down the road!

I also understand that old age might be another reason for staying together because you reach a certain point where dating is not practical, I'm certainly beyond that point, LOL, but if I had been a younger and healthier person, I would have been out of here like a flash. I don't understand why people with other options, stay, when you know you're just going through a shitload of pain to trust and be close to....someone maybe you really shouldn't be again.

It's an individual choice of course, but there are some things I don't understand and recon is one of them - unless as I say, there are kids or health, financial or old age issues. But for your average middle aged person, I'd just leave. Why go through the pain?

BondJaneBond, I think some people genuinely like their WS. Obviously they don't like the cheating, but if they like a lot of other things about the person and like spending time with them, it can be a reason to stay.

Of the reasons I decided to leave was because I realized I didn't like or respect WS any longer. I didn't care about being friends or doing things together. I wanted a different life. But that's not true for everyone.

There's also inertia - dating is hard and scary. People get lonely. If the WS is really transforming themself, they could become a safer partner than a total unknown.

No Thanks, those are excellent points. Sometimes it's hard for me to understand why people do some things so the insights of others help. I guess I could not see beyond the cheating myself, but probably others can to see good qualities or good experiences they've had with their WS. I also like your point about dating. It's been a long time since I dated - decades now, but I always enjoyed it, most of the time it didn't work out, but I never really had expectations - just to meet someone, go out, talk, have a good time, whatever, but I guess it can be a grueling experience for a lot of people. Maybe it's a case of pick your poison!

I once asked where that "2-5 years" figure came from and apparently it's from a book (can't remember which one). It seems arbitrary.

In my opinion, I think there's a lot of factors that can impact how long recovery takes (and if it's possible), such as the length of the affair, the circumstances, the state of the marriage beforehand, etc.

A BS that picks-me dances and rug-sweeps can wait for 1000 years without seeing any improvement.

A BS that doesn't put up with bullshit, won't settle for less than 100% accountability from the WS, and expects their WS to be proactive in the reconciliation process will probably know much sooner whether their marriage can be saved.

Of course, it's not realistic to say that a BS will do "everything right" and behave with clarity and decisiveness in the wake of Dday.

But if there's any advice I would give to a BS, it's that they have a very short window of time after Dday to give their WS a wake-up call and spur them into action (if that's even possible). The longer the BS allows the WS to set the terms of Reconciliation, the harder it will be by the time the BS reaches the point when they are completely fed up with the lack of progress.

I think of the 2-5 years as the timescale order of magnitude it takes to emotionally cope with the shock of infidelity, like how long a bell keeps ringing after you last hit it. We all know what happens if you hit the bell again.

IDK how long WSes need to become good candidates for R. I don't even have a good guess. My W became a good candidate on d-day. I don't know how long I'd have waited,

At dday2 there was no time given to my CH. I knew at the end of the holiday season I was going to start the D process. He knew that.

But in 3 weeks he managed to show me (on his own b/c I was not lifting a finger to help him) that there was a small possibility we could R.

My counselor is the one that suggested I give it 30 days, then another and another etc.

He knew he had no chances. One screw up and we were done. Something he never expected to happen.

But if there's any advice I would give to a BS, it's that they have a very short window of time after Dday to give their WS a wake-up call and spur them into action (if that's even possible).

BluerThanBlue, well said! My exww certainly got a wake-up call when she found out, about two months after d-day, that I was talking to a divorce lawyer. I also think most members would agree and, generally speaking, encourage newbies to take action.

Something about the idea of being good either way -- R or D -- is liberating.

No doubt, brother. This was something I often read when I first joined and I stand by it today. I think every BS would be better off being comfortable with either option. It's not really a choice when options don't exist, unfortunately.

The one that always irks me is those who "Stayed for the Kids."

Hippo, that's terribly unfair, I think. Love may be a big reason why some folks are willing to offer R, but having kids, especially young ones, can't be so easily dismissed as a reason to offer R. Had my exww cheated before she got pregnant with our son, who was barely 4yo on d-day, I'd have divorced her and never looked back. My son was a great reason to give my marriage a second chance and I do not regret that at all. Six years later, however, he was old enough. Still, after we separated, once a week I'd drop him off at school knowing his mom would pick him up and I wouldn't see him for a few days. I'd cry all the way home. That went on for months.

(Have to admit it, though. After a while I grew to appreciate all of that free time. Shh... don't tell anyone).

You know, ya don't just divorce your spouse, you half divorce the kids, too.

However! At some point, and it's all individual, staying for the kids is not healthy. That was my experience growing up, from 10yo until the day I could run off to the military. Miserable parents, however we'll intentioned, are miserable.

IMHO this is a far too generic a question for something so personal and individual

.Well... shoot. That's why I started this whole thread.

A few years ago, when we separated, I "quit" SI. Maybe a few times a year I'd log on for a while and... well, kept on healing instead. A few months ago a new member drew me back in and I've once again found myself... okay with coming back. I don't need or want anything beyond passing on the valuable... amazing... wisdom I learned here.

I see things quite differently now. People's stories are all uniquely the same, if that makes sense. And so, I was wondering... how quickly does the window of opportunity for reconciliation close?

How long reconciliation takes is as many years as it takes so long as both spouses keep the window open.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 1:26 AM, Tuesday, September 30th]