SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey LT —

I guess I had previously overlooked the idea that D isn’t an option at all for you.

And again, I understand hanging in there for your faith, and your want of keeping the M together — up to a point.

As I’ve noted before, faith and holding up my end of the vows is a big deal to me, however, I had to include D as a possible outcome. I had to include every possible outcome to heal.

It is important to add, I never weaponized divorce to get changes I wanted from my wife, that doesn’t work anyway. The changes to be a better partner had to come from my wife.

The reason D was on the table, because there was a time when the pain was too much and it wasn’t good for me or her.

Once I let go of holding on to the M (sounds weird) — I started to heal.

Once I understood I would be okay again, regardless of the outcome, it gave the relationship room to reset.

For your particular position, it sounds counterintuitive to mention D at all, but it could change the dynamic or the effort of your wife to help you heal the M.

Either way, it does sound like you all need another MC/IC who understands the pain of infidelity better.

FWIW, my MC asked us to avoid infidelity websites too, and I told him that while SI can be a trigger, it was far more helpful than hurtful.

Every once in a while, I feel like I'm starting to turn the corner and be okay. And then, thoughts of her ongoing betrayal revisit, and I'm back down in the dumps, feeling depressed. Is this grieving? If so, 25 years and I'm still grieving.

My wife's continued dishonesty, deliberately telling me lies, is eating away at me. Why would she sit down with me, tell me a detailed account of her first time being intimate with him, assuring me that I now know the truth, and only one week later tell me a completely different story? A different time, place, what happened, etc.

Through this experience, I've learned that while the intimacy is painful and difficult to hear, the lies are much worse. I have lost trust in her—my best friend!

I feel so alone at times that I don't know where to turn. Due to my work, I must present myself to the world as put-together and competent. But as a person, I'm broken. As I've said, it's like the cardiologist battling heart disease. Her ongoing lies—her continued betrayal—are destroying my life.

I only hope that with time she will understand my need for the truth—to understand reality—as much as she needs me to understand her need to bury it.

Can I ask you one question that I really need help with? What do you do when you have intrusive thoughts of your partner with their lover?

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/how-to-stop-mind-movies/

This article on Mind Movies is in the Healing Library and has some tips for this. For me, I did a lot of mindfulness exercises that my betrayal trauma therapist had me do. Another thing that helped me was learning meditation. It helped me to do some cleansing breaths and focus on breathing & focusing on my center.

It can take a while for you to find what works for you.

Have you discussed neural pathways with your psychiatrist? It's possible that you've thought in this pattern that you've developed a neural pathway that just goes there. It's like your brain creates a channel to those memories and it's like a well-worn path that your brain takes because it's the path of least resistance. I hope that makes sense. It's been some time since I was reading articles on betrayal trauma and neural pathways.

ETA: We're D, if that makes any difference to you. XWH couldn't keep his hands to himself.

[This message edited by leafields at 11:52 PM, Tuesday, September 30th]

I've been lurking on this thread, and I'm sorry you're still going through this all these years later.

I'm 6 months post D Day and I'm going through the same thing. I've written down a list of questions that if I was sat in a room with WS and AP, what I'd want to know. I've so far filled 2 pages full. His story changes and his answer to a lot of things has now become "because I was an idiot"

He started the affair with a work colleague. Our baby was 6 weeks old, my dad died suddenly and I was suffering from PND. The night of the day he died he went on a planned night out and slept with her in a hotel room. I needed him so badly that night and in the coming weeks, instead he was off seeing her.

I've become secretly obsessed with wanting to know every single detail about their affair, including the impossible question - why did it happen? I keep an eye on her family's social media accounts as that's how the affair came out. I've found out where she lives, and even have visited the car park they numerously slept together in whilst my world was falling apart, hoping it would bring me some peace. Even though it's just made things worse.

I need to just let it go, for our family's and our sake but I'm so hurt by it all. I completely understand where you're coming from.

I wanted to know everything. At one point our MC said "You need to get to a point where you feel you know enough to move on" and I said "No, I want to know everything because I need to know who I am married to and if this is someone I want to stay married to."

That paused that conversation for a few seconds ;) but it's true. If you think your spouse had only exchanged a few texts with someone but down the road you discover it was a full blown EA/PA that went on for weeks,months,years, well that kinda changes EVERYTHING

But, once you are told something you can never unhear it, so there is a risk in asking for details.