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Would you be annoyed if your wife valued everyone’s opinions, but yours?

My wife got a tattoo. She didn’t show me the designs. She didn’t say, "This is the design I’m getting — what do you think?" She didn’t even tell me when she was having it done.

I questioned my wife about this, and her response was that I didn’t ask and that I took no interest in it. The only reason I knew she was getting a tattoo was because I said I would buy it for her birthday.

She showed her family, our daughter, and her friends at work. But all I got was the bill. I would have liked to have seen the designs and talked about her thoughts with her. I wanted to feel included.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. Before she had the affair five years ago, I remember her saying that she doesn’t care what I think. If she likes something, my opinion doesn’t matter to her. It hurt then, and I still remember that day today. I thought we were past that, but after her acting like this, it makes me feel that I’m irrelevant and that my opinion really doesn’t matter with regards to her life.

This isn’t about control or saying she can or can’t have a tattoo — it’s her body, she is her own person, and she makes her own decisions. But it’s about the fact that a tattoo, which will be clearly visible and is permanent, is something you would at least talk to your husband about with regards to designs.

I brought this up, and she is now saying that it’s my fault. I should have asked, and I wasn’t interested. If she really felt that way, why hasn’t she brought this up before now? Why is she only bringing this up now that I’ve expressed feeling excluded and like I don’t matter?

Ever since her affair, I have been feeling second best — left out, always like I’m at the bottom of the queue. Everyone else seems more important.

It feels like I’m no longer allowed to express how I feel, and she shuts me down or turns it back onto me.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

No. A tatoo is a permanent body alteration. If I decide to get one I would want to know what my husband thinks more than anyone else.

I think you are making a need known you have in a relationship that she is not filling. You want to be her number one, the person she talks everything through with and she doesn’t see it that way.

After infidelity that need is probably exacerbated. Most couples who reconcile do it successfully because they dig into each others needs and learn to be conscious of them.her insensitivity tells me she is still not considering you.

Now I do think communication is important and I do think you have to convey your needs, but you have done so and she still is brushing it under the rug. Her response should have been "oh I am sorry I didn’t even think about that. I will do better moving forward I never meant to do that to you" and then you should have seen changed behavior and more checking innit something dismissive which is what she gave you.

I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do about this and I think you need to tell her this sort of thing is indicative of what you are experiencing as a whole. That what you want and need in marriage is a deeper friendship and interest in each other. If she doesn’t move the needle your feelings about this are importwnt enough to reconsider if you can reconcile with someone who is not interested in working in themselves or your relationship. This is a red flag for sure.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:16 PM, Thursday, February 19th]

Thanks for your reply, Hikingout.

Her first response was to blame me. She said that I knew she was having it done and that I should have asked. She is now saying that I took no interest in her having it done, and that if I cared, I would have asked.

I’m now starting to think that maybe it is my fault. Maybe I should have asked. maybe she is right.

She has only now brought up the fact that she thinks I took no interest in it, only once I expressed my disappointment about not being included or kept in the loop. If she was really bothered about me not taking an interest, wouldn’t she have said something before now? It works both ways.

I know we have a communication issue, but the feeling stems much deeper than that. It’s about my opinion not being valued. Do I really matter to her? Does she really care?

As you said if you was getting something like a tattoo your husband would be the first that you talked it through with.

I see this as a red flag. But it’s not just about the tattoo anymore — it’s about her twisting the narrative and making me out to be the problem.

Yeah she’s pretty good at turning things around so that you question yourself and accept blame where you deserve none.

She’s never stopped being a WS. I would personally have drawn a correct conclusion that I don’t matter, except for my labor and paycheck.

What you call has a name: lack of respect

Devaluation

She has not you high enough in her priorities to value your feedback.

Means she is still a WS for you.

NOw, what hikingout said is how a WS who is reformed would act. Because is how ANY partner would act:

Your partner and you are a thing, a bond, you want them in in your intimate choices and they want you in in theirs.
Is natural

Why a WS may lack respect?

2 possibilities.
- A they just disrespect you. But if that was the issue, you would be single already. Love and attraction cannot survive without respect. BEcause is the foundation of trust.
- B She did not solve her low self worth (and people pleasing). SO she wants to get validation from people for her choices (tattoo) but she does not value yours. Why? Because you are worthless? Not necessarily (or she would have left you, see A), often the WS sees the BS as an extension of themselves, so if they don't value themselves (low self worth) and the BS chooses them, this means the BS is low - value (projection)

She may even love you, but project her insecurities and low self worth onto you. Because you chose her. Because you love her. Because she feels like she has you.

There may be variations but usually is something along these lines.

And your intuition reads this. That's the sting you feel.

And since it hurts you it means you still love her right?
So do not ignore this, this is a big red flag, especially since she was already a WS. Talk to her, confront her, and tell her that she needs to address this issue in therapy, IC.

OR you will find yourself in another DDay, only matter of time.

This is likely not sustainable for you, if she is in denial or resisting help, then the 180 is your only friend here. Start preparing your exit strategy because you are going to bleed again.

That's the alamo, latest wake up call.

BUt only she can make the step. The WS must heal the WS.
YOu can only help her to notice what she is ignoring.

No, I certainly don't think you're making too much of this. It sounds like she's told you outright, on different occasions, that she doesn't care what you think. That's pretty freaking blunt. And it shows gross disrespect. You are the one, maybe even more than her, who has to look at the tattoo, whatever it is. Personally I absolutely hate tattoos and if my husband got one, it would really bother me....especially if he didn't tell me in advance. Your wife doesn't seem to respect you or involve you in mutual decisions. I would assume this goes into other areas of your lives too. If there's no actual infidelity scenario presently, I think marriage counseling might be a good idea as you need to be involved in these decisions, there needs to be discussion and concern about your ideas and feelings. I don't even know how a marriage can work without that. She acts like you're not part of a couple, and that's never good. So definitely - you're NOT making too much of this. This IS an issue.

No…if it bothers you..you’re not making too much out of it.

Though, I think you should have asked her. Getting curious brings you closer together.

I mean you were paying for it as a gift. That shows interest in itself. I think this is indicative of a larger issue that this is only one example of.

I guess my thoughts on this lean toward your wife’s response to you.

You give her the gift of a tattoo for her birthday. Upon giving her that gift, you have zero interest in what she’s thinking of getting?

It strikes me as odd that you didn’t ask. That there was NO conversation about it seems odd.

I mean, if I was witnessing you giving her this gift, I would have had a natural curiosity to ask what she was thinking of for the design, where she wanted the tattoo, etc.

So my guess is that she expected you to have that curiosity, too. Instead, you never bothered to ask? And maybe she was hurt by that.

So she figured you really aren’t interested, not even mildly curious. And even though you knew she was talking to others about it, you still never brought it up? Instead, you sit back and wait to see if she will tell you?

This sounds like a lot of resentment on both sides.

This issue isn’t about her tattoo. At all.