SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all - firstly thankyou for taking the time to read, the support here is so special and I’ll pay it back when I am further down the road. So my story, my husband first cheated on me 23 years ago with a 2 month affair with work colleague. We split up for about 2 years and found our way back to each other and ended up marrying and having 2 sons. We’ve been married 17 years and the last 5 have been hard. He has a lot of trauma from childhood, and 5 years ago his dad died. He struggled with his grief due to complex relationship with dad (who also had had affairs 😩and mental health challenges). Over the last 4 years he spiralled as wasn’t coping. I discovered £30k debt, we sorted, I was in shock then found out a year later he had another £10k loan. We went straight to marriage councilling. His mum was also very ill and passed away last Easter. I knew something was off so went snooping and discovered he’d been visiting massage parlours/emailing escorts. I was severely traumatised. He’s been in therapy since last summer to understand his toxic behaviour. He is financially transparent with me. I can’t let go of my anger though as he seems to just want to spend time with our boys (15 & 12). He is Disney dad (football coach etc) but if I ask the kids to help with anything he loses it and tells me I’m horrible to everyone. I’m really stuck. I’ve told him what I need to try and rebuild some connection and he tells me I can’t change as he’s stopped visiting massage parlours etc but I can’t stop being judgemental. I am stuck in limbo as now it feels like it’s me that can’t change vs he behaved in a way that completely disrespected me, and our family (in his eyes he was trying to cope with severe depression and suicidal thoughts). It’s such a mess. He currently is not earning as set up a business with a female colleague. I also discovered overly friendly texts with his business partner and he admitted they need better boundaries. Typing this out I feel like I would be telling me to have some respect and make the decision to separate. I just feel so alone. I feel sure I would be blamed (I’m the one who nags kids to do homework, am judgemental as don’t want them to play Xbox all day). It’s a unique kind of pain this infidelity (although according to my husband it wasn’t cheating 🤣) Sorry for the lengthy post. I’m sat on my own whilst husband watches more action movies with sons in the holiday home that I’ve paid to rent. Need to vent as you can tell. I know I have to find the answer and I wish for the day the pain disappears and I can focus on being the best mum. Thankyou for reading and any advice appreciated. Really looking for some positive stories either way. Limbo is hell xxx

Seems to me that your WH never took responsibility for his behavior. I have so many questions.

Maybe you guys kind of rugswept? What is he doing in counseling? Has he come clean to you about all of his deceptive behaviors? Has he taken full responsibility for himself and taken steps to make amends? What do you need from him?

Are you still together, or separated? It sounds like you are still together, but his behavior sounds like that of a weekend dad.

He is checked out.

With kids he is a "Disney dad" and not a parent.

He is BLAMING YOU and not taking accountability for anything, including acting like a parent when he needs to.

IMO he is coasting through life and looking for the easy way out.

Next time he blames you for your feelings, calmly afk him what he has done to show YOU he has made changes.

I’m so sorry you’re finding yourself here. From what you described, he doesn’t seem to be really invested in repairing things with you. Or, taking accountability for his actions.

Seems to me you might want to start prioritizing yourself and your needs. Have you tried 180?

The only reason that your husband is able to be "Disney Dad" is because you're doing all the hard work of parenting and keeping your family afloat financially.

Your husband is a huge liability to you-- emotionally, financially, and physically (risking your health with prostitutes and other women). You've given him more than enough opportunities to redeem himself, and he keeps betraying you and letting you down. Not only is his business not generating money, but it's become another vehicle for him to mess around with another woman.

You would be better off without him. I know that sounds like a cliche, but in your case, it's actually true. Being married to him is like having a delinquent third child. If you were divorced, you would know exactly where your money was coming from and where it was going, you wouldn't be at risk of having your credit destroyed and driven into debt, wouldn't have to fear for STDs, and you would be able to set the rules for your home without someone having someone in it who is actively sabotaging your efforts.

Of course, your husband might be more lax with the children at his house. But I really think that once he found himself responsible for all the day-to-day stuff that goes into caring for the children, they would probably end up seeing a completely different side of him.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:30 PM, Monday, February 16th]

I’ve told him what I need to try and rebuild some connection and he tells me I can’t change as he’s stopped visiting massage parlours etc but I can’t stop being judgemental. I am stuck in limbo as now it feels like it’s me that can’t change vs he behaved in a way that completely disrespected me, and our family (in his eyes he was trying to cope with severe depression and suicidal thoughts).

People are suicidal and depressed and don't cheat on their spouses. He's using this as an excuse not to take accountability, and he's shifting the blame for the current situation onto to you. You being judgmental (of course you are! He cheated!) and feeling stuck is a direct consequence of his actions. Yes, the BS has healing work to do, but unless the WS acts with remorse and humility, that healing won't work because the wound will keep reopening.

I feel sure I would be blamed

Blamed by whom? You know the truth, and you know you aren't to be blamed for any of this. That's the only opinion that matters in this situation. It's okay if you can't get past what he did. Just because he's stopped doesn't mean he's owed forgiveness or second/third/fourth/etc. chances from you. He's clearly unwilling (or unable) to meet your needs. Without that, it's understandable that you are still unhappy.

Often we get stuck in limbo, which is its own kind of torture, because we feel guilty about divorce - because it *is* going to hurt us, our children, our families and friends. But sometimes that is a necessary pain to inflict on others in order to save ourselves. In the long term, you do no good to anyone if you're feeling lonely, depressed, hurt, and angry. You either have to start laying down strict conditions to continue the R process (e.g. he must close his business and get a paying job; he must meet your emotional needs; he must back you up in parenting discipline), or if you can't/don't want to do that, you should bite the bullet and walk away.

What cheaters don’t understand is that while they say "I’ve stopped" they haven’t provided the evidence to make the betrayed believe it or feel comfortable that they have refrained from lying and cheating.

And thus you are caught in a cycle that just goes round and round.

It’s just so hard to get the cheaters to really understand the damage they caused.

(although according to my husband it wasn’t cheating 🤣)

According to me it would be cheating in any relationship I was in.

Just saying….

But that is the beauty of relationship agreements. It is people consensually defining what is agreed upon. Some relationship agreements might allow this type of things. Mine did not so that is why I am divorced from exwh. And my guess is that you had no agreement between you and wh that this was not cheating either or he would have done it openly and "safely". In other words, consensually.

Sorry you find yourself here and wishing you the best on your healing journey.

I read your first posts, and it doesn’t really sound like things have changed in your situation.

I notice there are lot’s of "reasons" for inactivity... Like the kids starting school, not wanting to disturb their summer, not wanting to disturb their schooling, mom died, parrot escaped, cat got kittens...

Keep in mind that the journey out of limbo-land starts with a step.
Early on you can offer him to walk beside you, to take the journey with you. But if he refuses or won’t acknowledge his faults... you got to keep on walking.