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I am so mad with him that he made me feel like this! That he put me in this position and I have to drive the thoughts that are clouding my mind out of my head the last three and a half years now…Did he love her (he says no, it was an addiction) ? But while he was doing all the dirty deeds (and I am not talking only about the sex) he was feeling it! He had all these feelings! Lust, rush, love or limerance I don’t care, those were all feelings! And time. And conscious effort to be with her and to handle me. It’s so painful. It’s so disrespectful. Today I have a hard day! And I would like just to get it out and scream. Or meet someone and arrange my payback. All this talk about my values concerning revenge affair falls flat in the face of the total disrespect that my loving husband showed me!!!! And I keep thinking about how he was feeling then, even though he feels revolted by his actions when he thinks of it since the 5th of August 2022. He is a brilliant man!!!! How can I be convinced that he didn’t think that this would devastate me. I can’t! I just can’t! This is why infidelity feels like a completely personal attack….

I am sorry for the error in the title 🙄

Hello Phosphorrscent,

Sorry you are going through this. Im nearly 18 months out and I've had many of the same thoughts. My WW is an intelligent driven woman. She HAD to have considered what this could do to me 'if' i found out. I say if because she tells me that originally she planned to take it to her grave, and didn't much think of the consequences.

I believe her. However it seems like a HUGE oversight to ignore what could happen. STDs, pregnancy, me finding out on my own or by being told by the other betrayed spouse. These are pretty obvious potential outcomes, and the fact that she went for it anyway makes me feel like this was actually an exit affair that she didn't have the courage to follow through on.

Course I could be wrong. Many therapeutic sources say that cheating is a very selfish act. So selfish in fact that they often don't think about the consequences. This is why not using protection is so common.

That makes sense to me, though I still view cheating as a form of spousal abuse.

There was a time when I seriously considered having a revenge affair as well just so she could feel how I was feeling.

I didn't, and won't, because I realized that she can never feel what I felt, and I dont want to hurt her anyway. I just want her to understand what she did to me. I don't believe she can ever feel those feelings the way I did. Cheating on her would hurt her for sure, and she might understand a little. But she won't feel the magnitude of the pain that I felt.

From what others have described it doesn't make you feel any better either. For these reasons I SRONGLY RECCOMEND you don't cheat on him. Don't stoop to his level. Don't become the thing you hate.

Is your husband doing the necessary work? 3.5 years seems like a really long time to be feeling like this.

I was still feeling this at 3.5 years. Sometimes have is in fleeting moments now….6 years later.

My husband told himself that I wouldn’t care. The A was some kind of F-ed up insanity. Mine was a double betrayal. She was a friend and mentor. It killed me to think that they thought it wouldn’t affect me. How are you taking care of yourself on bad days?

I will say, that I’m very grateful for where we are now. I can see how he’s grown through the experience of helping me and us to recovery from his shitty mistakes. OW can rot.

Like someone else posted, your spouse can be extremely intelligent. But in that moment for various reasons, they’re not. In my case, my wife is intelligent, but still ended up doing it. Does it help that it occurred she was in bad place mentally, no. Is it an excuse for it. Absolutely not. But it is an explanation to certain actions or disregard of who would be affected by these actions.

I know how you feel, cause I’m only 15 or so months from DDay. And I feel similarly to you. There are days, where we are having an amazing day. But then thoughts pop up like yours. It’s hard and it’s also normal. Nothing you’re feeling is wrong or abnormal. It took me some time to accept that but it doesn’t make it suck less.

As for me, these thoughts do come and go. Hopefully, with time it isn’t as blaring as it is now. I know not to expect it to be like some of the other peoples positive experiences but we can only hope of something close.

How can I be convinced that he didn’t think that this would devastate me. I can’t! I just can’t! This is why infidelity feels like a completely personal attack….

Put yourself in his shoes. Step by step, crossing those lines, do you really think you'd be concerned about what might happen if you got caught? Or do you think it's possible you'd choose not to think about it?

I believe most WS honestly choose--deliberately, consciously--to compartmentalize those thoughts. I believe this because I've read this from plenty of WS. I believe this because it makes sense and I think I'd do the same. And even those who do pay attention to those thoughts often engage in all sorts of rationalizations and mental gymnastics to avoid their own scruples (assuming they have any) and justify their actions.

It's a tangled web of self-deception, delusional thinking, cognitive dissonance and, I think, a "fuck it" factor that's truly incomprehensible.

It's disrespectful and dehumanizing and it had nothing at all to do with you. It's not personal.

Seems counter-intuitive, doesn't it?

I believe that infidelity is largely self-destructive. We, the betrayed, are collateral damage. Your WH self-destructed while strolling down Infidelity Lane, never acknowledging or recognizing the way was paved with land mines.

It's not personal. You simply weren't a part of the affair, at all.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I had a let’s say discussion with my wh about all this. I told him I m frustrated and mad (at 3.5 years after dday I developed the composure to articulate my feelings).We had a not so nice conversation, civil but not nice. He takes all the blame and is saying how awful it was from him to do something like that. He always says that at the time he thought I wouldn’t care. And then I always go on to say that it turns out that our actions should be based on something more than our perceptions of another person’s feelings. Anyway it’s the same argument that I NEED to have unfortunately. It can’t be undone. And as you said having a revenge affair is so out of character for me. Better get a divorce and go and have fun freely!!! But I don’t want a divorce. I want to be with this guy for a myriad of reasons. Our kids is one of them and an important one but I wouldn’t stay if it was over with him. That is totally out of character for me. I love him but it’s different and I don’t know how to handle it. I miss our relationship prior to this, this monstrosity. It wasn’t as good as it is now but it was filled with joy and trust and things that matter the most in one’s life. So what is better anyway? I guess the "feeling in love" factor returned and in many ways I am more in tune with my self. I often think that I don’t want to be that all consumed mom and wife again, meaning that I need to prioritise myself. But it’s so easy to let your guard down and feel comfortable again. And when I feel that I get to this sweet point, in which point I got stubbed in the back…. It seems that I initiate a fight. So that I won’t forget and he won’t forget…

It is not uncommon to start your feel "safe" and panic. There is a whole psychological component to it that I won’t get into here. It’s rather long and complicated but it’s worth a read if you are interested.

Look up lizard brain.

While your healing is slow, what will start to happen is that you will start to have more confidence in yourself, leading to more positive results in your marriage.

Ask yourself this question. What if he cheats again? What will you do? How will you manage it? How will you feel?

I can tell you that I would not be blindsided by it. I would be upset but not devastated like I was the last time. And I know I would Divorce.

We are about 12 years from Dday and things are very good between us. He’s changed and so have I. For me I stopped being a doormat and started holding him accountable for everything. It was a rough 3 years of R (more for him than me) but it was either my way or the highway. Not in a mean controlling way but more of the "this is what I need to stay in this marriage" mentality.

Does it bother me he treated me poorly during his affair? Yes. Do I think it bothers him now? Yes. He has tremendous regret. And yes I heard all the ridiculous excuses cheaters used. And I shut every one of them down until the only response to the "why" question was "there is no good reason why he chose to cheat".

I hope this helps you. Hang in there. As the betrayed we get to eat the shit sandwich of acceptance and having to get over it, but whether you R or D, it’s still the same.