SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all
As we're going through the R journey I'm finding myself losing/lost attraction for my WS. I've read books and articles on attraction and the 4 different types of Physical, Intellectual, Emotional and Spiritual, all of which are at an all time low following the betrayal, lying, hurt etc.

This feeling of not being attracted to my WS is one that is pushing me closer to D every day as clearly that wouldn't be a healthy relationship.

I find myself talking to other women at work and wondering if their single which is a thought I'd never have had pre finding out about the affair. I've also moved jobs to a large city where I spend 3 days a week and have realised that there really are plenty more fish in the sea - all of which is pushing me towards believing I would be happier with separating.

I guess I'm looking to understand whether this is me coming through a stage in the healing process of realising I'm the prize in all of this. Or whether once I've lost that feeling of attraction, there's no going back and jt would be disrespectful to my WS to continue to fake it until we made it. Thoughts?

I list attraction for my WW, now EXWW, after Dday and it never came back. I guess I need to respect the person I'm with, znd I had lost sll respect hor her. I might have gained some respect back had due been willing to do the eohk, but she was and still is not really wired for foing the work. Shecfrlt that no longer cheating and making herself securely available was enough. I found that cheap and it fid nothing for me.

I tried to fill the void the end of my M left by dating and going out, just to find out that the women my age came with a tremendous amount of baggage (I like women not dudes so don't start about sweeping generalizations anyone), and I found it difficult to navigate. The mistake I made was date before healing properly.

It's been 7 years and I'm healed enough to know that it was peace I lacked during my M and it is peace I now have. I guard it jealousy and have no longer have interest in women and dating. I really like being alone.

You may want to spend some time rediscovering who you once were pre-relationship. Reconnect with friends, hobbies, interests if you already haven't. Develop new ones. All of this will provide a resilience that will come in handy if you do end up choosing D.

I think this is a major difference between those who R successfully and those who D successfully.

I went through phases of no longer being attracted to my WS, but they lasted days or weeks and were infrequent, rather than months and frequent. The fact that attraction remained strong helped R a lot.

If the phases had been more frequent and longer, I think I'd have gotten a lot closer to D.

My reco is to monitor yourself. You want the best outcome, whether it be D or R. Don't force yourself one way or another. Let the solution grow organically. If the attraction doesn't come back, so be it.

Within that context, it's possible to rebuild attraction if one wants to. But even that grows organically - one can choose to emphasize the + and deemphasize the -. Again, my reco is to not force yourself to go one way or another. Focus on what you want first and find out if that's possible.

And if one solution looks better than another, don't pretend it's the other way around....

Or whether once I've lost that feeling of attraction, there's no going back and jt would be disrespectful to my WS to continue to fake it until we made it.

I think one of the silver linings of recovery from infidelity is not having to fake anything ever again. I’ll never be glad about infidelity, but it allowed me to be 100 percent me, no more games, no more masks, no pretending everything is okay.

You feel what you feel.

I struggled at times, and I told my wife when I was having a tough time feeling to connected to her at all.

I don’t know if I would call your feelings any particular ‘stage’ — if you’re feeling good enough to talk to women at work, I think it sounds like some level of recovery. If you’re feeling better about you, that’s a damn good thing and build from there.

As to your M, that becomes what you aim for.

If all you will ever see in your spouse is what she did wrong, R isn’t in the cards (and we never, ever OWE R to anyone, we gift it or we don’t).

At some point, I saw my wife as a complete person, flaws and all. That’s when the M started to heal. If we can’t see the good in the person with are with, it doesn’t leave much to build on.

That said, again, you seeing you as the prize, that is 100 percent good stuff, because now, whatever you choose, you choose from strength, and not fear.

I've never read anything about this being a stage. It certainly wasn't for me. My ex is a very beautiful woman with an IQ-dropping smile. I'm not attracted to her anymore. As you mentioned, it's not just about physical beauty. There's so much more to it, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually. For me, there was no going back, although I really did try.

What's most important, I think, is being honest with yourself. Like Justsomeguy mentioned, I value my peace more than ever... peace of mind, body and spirit. Peace really is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves, even if it's often difficult to find.

I am still not attracted....DDay was 2 years ago this August. WH is objectively attractive, and I love him. I also can have sex with him, but I'm no longer attracted to him. :(

I have a different take.

Attraction for me after my husbands affair did not come back for a well over a year because I didn’t like him. I had mind movies all the time because I knew his AP, and he did it in our house. There were times she had just left and he was kissing me hello as I came through the door. So it was worse for me than not being attracted - at times I was repulsed by the idea of having sex with him.

I think the first year after an affair is nothing but a recovery year.

I can’t predict if it will return or not. My feeling is connection requires vulnerability. It’s impossible to be vulnerable with someone you don’t trust. I didn’t feel a connection therefore I also didn’t feel an attraction. We didn’t have sex for many months, which in the history of our relationship was unheard of. We had never even gone a full week prior to this.

I often think the decision to R doesn’t come the first year. I am not saying don’t divorce. I think divorce is always a rational response to infidelity. I am just saying attraction may or may not be the top predictor of success.

As trust was rebuilt, and we worked on our connection, my attraction returned. And I can honestly say my attraction to him is more today than it’s ever been.

Everyone is different, and while it sounds maybe like this marriage may not work out, I don’t think it’s weird you aren’t attracted to her. It takes detachment to be looking at other women. Detachment is a good thing in my book after an affair because it allows you to be objective. But detachment is not going to fuel passion.

I don’t think the outcome of R is faking anything. I do not think you should fake being attracted to her. But I do not know if many reconciliations always have a lot of the softer feelings in the first year or so. That being said, you may be done and that’s always okay. In reading a few other posts from you I can see she was still lying a lot In February. I don’t think it’s any wonder you don’t feel an attraction right now.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:27 PM, Thursday, July 10th]