SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello again. Thanks for your responses. You all are right. I'm being too nice and already gearing my way towards rug sweeping. My resolve waivered when she cried, begged, pleaded and pouted all day after I confronted her.

I will read/re-read the resources all of you guys suggested. I checked her phone daily and there have been no new texts from this guy. She also has not changed her password on her phone or deleted the incriminating text chain. I told her that would only further my suspicion. I'm not naive enough to believe she doesn't have other ways of communicating.

I will still contact a divorce attorney and notify the OBS. I have digital copies of Cheating In A Nutshell and A reference not approved by site. I will finish those two. I'm used to being strict in my job as a LEO but I'm a big wimp when it comes to my WW it seems. Thanks again.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:31 AM, Friday, July 4th]

Maybe wait until the anger phase kicks in. Then you won’t be so nice.

I gave my lawyer strict instructions to protect me from my inck8nation to be nice. He did.

Hunter

What is their work-relationship?
Same building, same department, is he her boss or coworker...
It’s not clear when and how this affair started. You had suspicions six years ago, but found no concrete evidence. Keep in mind that the level of evidence only needs to convince YOU. I went through your older posts and I think I too would have reached the same conclusion as you did six years ago. But with the evidence you have now, I suspect this affair might have been starting (maybe not consummated) back then, and might have been going on for some years. But... that’s just backed by intuition and no real evidence.
You a LEO? Well... it’s like if you are patrolling an affluent neighborhood late at night and meet a tradesman van. You would probably note the logo or number, even more so if there has been some crime or burglaries in that area recently. After all – what is Joe’s Plumbing doing there at 4 AM? Not enough to stop the van, but enough so that if a burglary is reported next morning, you go check with Joe...

I think it’s highly unlikely that an affair that has been going on for this time, and is so blatant in it’s sexting, will end just like that. I also find it highly unlikely that she would find it enough to offer one-sided sexual gratification. This is not four of five rounds in his car during lunch...

I can guestimate the present situation:
You call out her affair. She promises change and that the affair is over. The first opportunity she gets they communicate. They decide to lay low. The OM first, second and third priority is that his wife doesn’t learn about this. If he is her supervisor or superior at work, his next priority is to minimize damage at work. Your WW first priority is to prevent divorce (note – not to save her marriage, but to prevent divorce). Her second priority is to save face, and her third is to protect OM.
So when they decide to lay low, it’s basically a commitment that the affair (as a physical one) is over.
That commitment – it’s like she wakes up with a terrible hangover and decides never to drink again. Might avoid the Chablis all week, and maybe not have a gin-and-tonic next weekend. But eventually she might be sharing her story of the hangover with her best friend while downing her second cocktail.
There is an off chance the affair is over. There is a greater chance that once they feel safe, it resumes. Might be dormant for a week, a month, maybe half a year... But odds are higher that it resumes that it being over. Probably when they have the chance he might ask if things are OK at home, and then they start talking...

What can be done to lower those odds?
a)Change of jobs.
b)A strict leash on OM – for example if he is superior to her at work then his boss will give him a stern warning about having affairs with staff (or even fire him).
c)Let all stakeholders know. If his wife is monitoring him too he will be more reluctant to restart the affair.
d)Controlled and strategic exposure. The more the correct people know, the less opportunity she has to cheat.

Of course, if you decide to divorce your strategy might be different. Then you want her to keep her job (for income) and might use the fear of exposure to get her to accept an uncontested divorce.

Hello again. A few things have happened since my last post. I talked to one divorce attorney. He told a few of things I already knew but I still listened. He assured me that I probably wouldn't get abused on spousal support even though I make twice as much as her. He also said that I shouldn't try to hide my assets before my divorce (a divorced friend of mine urged me to do that). He couldn't give me an in-depth analysis yet at this was just the first free telephone consultation.
I also made an appointment with a marital therapist. It will be a telephone session. We'll see how much accountability my wife takes. I know many here are skeptical of marital counseling this early in the process.
My wife told me that she told the other guy that they are done and that I know. I checked her phone everyday and I don't see any new messages. We'll see.... She acts remorseful and cries when I press her on issues.
I now have the other betrayed spouses number and I will send her the screen shots. I just have to get them ready. When I send the screen shots should I attempt to edit out the pictures of their private parts? I'm thinking I should so that I can't be called malicious by my wife/divorce attorney. I don't want to be perceived as revenge seeking. I just want her to know and be armed with the almost 500 screenshots I have of their text exchange. Thanks.

Go ahead. Let her see those stinky bits. After all, they weren't ashamed. Why should you be?

Is there a reason you seem to ignore my questions like the one about their work-relationship?

As a LEO you should be aware that sending unsolicited sexual content and/or sharing sexual content that was intended for private and personal use can be a felony and/or can give both your wife and OM grounds to sue you. So, no – do not send the OW any content unless she asks, and even then either offer to show her in person, or send heavily edited photo’s.

What you do is send the OMW something like:

"I think it important for that you have this information so you can decide how to progress and for your health, but your husband (name here) and my wife (name here) are having a sexual affair. They are interacting at work and I have texts and pictures with sexual content shared between them, as well as my wife’s confession. There is no doubt that this is a full-on sexual affair. If you need further information or proof, you can contact me (place how to contact) and I can share more information."

Lookup revenge porn laws in your state.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:42 AM, Thursday, July 10th]

Hi Bigger. To answer you question about their work relationship: He is in charge of another department. He is not a direct boss. My wife is a firstline supervisor of manufacturing in their company's department. She has a completely different chain of command (for lack of a better word).
Thanks for stressing the laws on revenge porn. Yes I'm a LEO but I'm at the federal level. My enforcement authority only comes from a few federal statutes. I have almost no knowledge of state/local laws. However, I have learned about them through this site. I will not send those screen shots unless they are heavily edited. I will use your script (modified) and go from there. Thanks again.

A few suggestions for you:

Decide how much of the truth you need to know if you were to even consider reconciling. Right now, your WS is only telling you what you can prove. Really, she is lying by omission. When confronted, she seems to spin out and go into an emotional breakdown and not reply. Write down your questions and give them to her and ask for as detailed a timeline as you need. Be specific. Tell her to work on it as soon as possible, but when she is alone and can calm herself. See what her actions are from that point.

Continue to meet with attorneys and tell her that you are doing so. You can tell her it's just in case or to gather information and invite her to do the same. You have considered settlements and what you will accept. Ask her to prepare a spreadsheet of any marital assets that should be included in the divorce, her estimated value, and how she expects to divide them. Ask her to write down any other expectations for a divorce (child custody and how you will handle child support, who gets the properties, etc.) You could tell her an attorney suggested this.

I would also let her know you expect her to suggest a settlement generous to you if it comes to that, because she violated the marriage agreement. Don't give her your information. Don't accept her saying, "Whatever you decide" or something similar. She should be confronting the prospect of a divorce just like you are/have and doing the work herself. It will make her face reality, and it will say something of her state of remorse if she suggests that she should have the properties in her home country without any concessions to you or that she should get portions of your retirement from before you were married. See what she comes up with and send it back to be revised multiple times if she hasn't included everything.