While not a big fan of "IC" aka Individual Counseling - sometimes it IS a good idea. Because (provided you find a good one - the counselor) you can have a person with whom to converse on how to be a good human and also to work out your "whys" and teach yourself or learn how to resist selfishness.
I just want to say without IC there would have been no chance of recovery for me. What is described here is not what you do in therapy really though.
One thing that people do not always understand is selfishness or being overly selfless are two sides to the same coin. A lot of the things that took me down mentally was being overly selfless.
I was a huge people pleaser and when I went through therapy I learned that this was based on low self worth, hustling for love and pushing my own needs down. When you do that long enough you can lose yourself in trying to fill that void.
People who are overly selfish try and fill the same void but by being demanding for fear of scarcity in love.
Both things have root causes. And it comes down to lake of self love, self respect, learning healthy boundaries.when we love ourselves well we can love others well, because our self love or lack there of is a fountain that flows into every relationship we have.
So therapy is designed more to understand yourself, what you want your life to look like, how to be gentler and kinder with yourself (because it’s all a mirror- self compassion allows us to have compassion for others- ever notice people who are critical of themselves do a lot of bad mouthing others?)
Therapy is not designed to make bad people turn to good people. It’s designed to help you become more self aware of your motivations, what things are in your way, how to cope with life better and decide how to strengthen and improve.
I didn’t cheat on my husband because I am a bad person. I cheated because I created an environment internally that made it possible. Unwinding how that was formed and how to form something healthier took tracing patterns through my life and learning the way I was working against myself.
I also think it’s worth mentioning that of course having a more intentional relationship with your values and priorities is part of that development, integrity being a core one. But those are tangible things that can be worked on rather than the overwhelming task of going "bad to good".
I never lose sight there is a bs that has had terrible pain inflicted upon them. But I know from experience the ws is also in a lot of pain that has to be dealt with so that you can be a good rebuilder and you can show that you have grown and changed. Even if a reconciliation doesn’t happen often there are children who can benefit from a great coparenting relationship and figuring yourself out is the first step to making true amends.
Staying in our shame and pain does not give room for the ws to really see and understand the pain of the bs. It makes too brittle and fragile to look at the product of our wrong doings. By getting underneath that we can be stronger people who can take that on. Shame creates defensiveness and that says to the bs you aren’t seeing their pain and understanding the impact of your actions.
I wanted to clear this up not to argue with anyone but to enlighten those who need this knowledge. I remember spinning my wheels so long because I could not figure out how to go from bad to good. But the truth is, you just keep building g in the good you already are and it feels good, it feels right, it allows that self worth and self love to come in. From there, you will naturally see that you have crowded out any impulse to do things that are so destructive to yourself and others.
Feeling low- thank you - but truth is I just happened to be where you and many other who come here are right now. I am just almost a decade out in my work and sharing that experience. Climbing out of that hole doesn’t come naturally or with an instruction book. I could not fathom self compassion for years after what I did, but it ultimately has been the key to being a better me and showing up in all my relationships differently.
I think a lot of counselors are not particularly talented in helping others. Make sure yours is a good fit. And I also think as a result a lot of bs have had experiences where they fee IC made things worse.
However- the hardest part for most to understand is that for a while what you are learning about yourself as the ws and trying to practice can actually seem negative to the bs because they can’t relate how what the ws is telling them they are doing in therapy is going to help heal the relationship.
I know as a beginner I was trying to learn not to people please and to try to listen to what I want and need more. Well you can imagine some of my awkward practicing of that went over not well at all. It’s important for both people to understand that to heal the relationship with the bs the ws has to heal their relationship with themselves first. If you can understand that and the ws actually does this work, what they are capable of afterwards in terms of loving other people amplifies exponentially.
