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I’m going to look at this as an addiction. When I think about someone is talented as the singer at James Taylor, I’m so puzzled at someone with that much intellect falling back into an addiction. He was off drugs for 20 years and then went back on them. He eventually cleaned up again and has gone on with his life. On the other hand, Philip Seymour Hoffman went back and it killed him. I will bet neither one of those men would be able to tell you what drove them to do something so stupid. I look at what your husband has done is just as stupid. There’s something missing in him, not in you, not in your marriage. Whatever it is, he needs to fix it. In the meantime, you can look at nesting I think that’s the name of it. It’s where you have an efficiency apartment and you at home one week, off one week, home one week. The weeks that you are home he’s in the nest. That way, the children never leave and they have access to their parents for seven days at the time which is really nice for them.

Thank you, unfortunately the nesting situation won’t work as WS works nights, so I can’t give him a whole week, at this point we are keeping distances whether upstairs or downstairs. Don’t see each other much, he sleeps all day when kids are at school, afternoons I do dinner and homework with them and then we split up kids to take them to their extracurricular activities, lastly he’s off in the evening for the whole night shift till early morning. I’ve made it clear I do not wish to discuss us/ our marriage. So we only text about kids. This distance is helping me continue to process, and also showing me how he just has zero effort. If I were the WS I’d think I’d still try to even if asked not to. He chased his AP in their EA for months, calling her for hours and texting her any chance he got for months! And I’m getting silence from him.

He chased his AP in their EA for months, calling her for hours and texting her any chance he got for months! And I’m getting silence from him.

This right here tells you EVERYTHING about him, his priorities and his needs.

I’m sorry for you — he is showing you exactly who he is.

Welp, if this wasn’t hard already. My daughter came up to me privately and told me she heard her dad and I having an argument, the DDay discussion. WS and I always have arguments when kids are out of the house at school or behind closed doors. This particular DDay happened at night, after their bedtime. We assumed she was sleeping, had her bedroom door closed and we had this argument in the living room by her room. Our mistake. I apologized to her for hearing us argue and asked her what she heard. She said she heard me say something about her dad having a girlfriend and that I didn’t know what I was going to do. I again apologized, that she had to hear her parents having this argument, comforted her and also told her I was proud of her for coming to me to share her thoughts and feelings. She calmed down and went about her show. I was in shock, devastated and my heart sank. I didn’t even know how to address her and tried my best in that moment, especially because I’m still processing the A. Now I don’t know if I should check in with her again or let her be. The house is peaceful (WS is hardly home) their routines/activities have not been impacted, and I don’t think they’ve picked up on much, especially bc they are used to dad working nights and long hours, so I’m the main parent at home. Idk if we should address anything, or wait till we decide what the heck we are doing, which I’m not close bc I’m working on my emotions.

Had a conversation with WS while kids were at school. Of course apologies and said excuses of why he kept his distance, such as he was ashamed of himself and realized how not only did he cheat on me but our kids etc. He said he doesn’t know what to do to help me heal but also knows something is wrong with him internally. I had a long list of questions I had been writing in regard to the affair and he answered them. He added other details because he said he knew it would help me, and also help him not hide. One thing he added was conversation topics they had which included childhood, families, children etc. So even though he’s denying the connection and he sees it as conversational, the AP got to know him quite well in the 4 months of affair. He hasn’t asked me for R nor D. He also admitted that they planned to meet at a motel/outside of work for the first time a few days after DDay. According to him, he feels that’s a reason he let me see his phone, when I confronted him while he was texting her and had no chance to delete. He he knew I would read the messages and discover the affair. He wasn’t man enough to tell me. He also said he wasn’t man enough to tell his AP that he didn’t want to meet her and end things with her because his guilt was taking over, he would look at me and feel guilt and shame and repeat to himself he needed to stop the affair and tell me but said he lacked the strength. He also said even though he knows he’s loosing me and is disappointed by the pain he’s caused, he is also relieved because the affair is over, he was tired of hiding, deleting and lieing to me and living that way. Another thing he mentioned is he wants to reach out to his family and my family to confess about his affair. I have not told any family members. I told him, I do not want him to contact my family members, I said they are mine and if I want them to know, I will do it myself. I said as for his family, that’s his family and his choice. He asked if I wanted him to start sharing his location and I said I honestly don’t care anymore, what will you do cheat on me more? lol that was just my sarcasm and checking out.. he starter sharing it a couple days after, we’ll see how long it last. He admitted to hiding cash. Confessed AP bought him a Christmas gift and he did not want to bring it home, so he returned it. He he gave her a gift card for Christmas that he paid with cash. A lot of things I did not want to hear, but was somewhat surprised he wasn’t trying to do damage control which is his go to.

Once I got the answers to the questions I had and felt mentally drained, I reiterated that my focus is not on a relationship with him, nor do I care about what he feels, thinks, does or doesn’t do but my focus is on myself.

Well, 1 month in post DDay, as of today my mind says divorce because I believe he will do it again. But my heart is in pain. I joined the gym, did my physical with sti testing(negative) and plan to start some refresher classes in March. Doing my best to feel and heal. Thanks for reading.

[This message edited by chica1 at 5:17 AM, Thursday, February 19th]