SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey all, this is a little different than a straight up confirmed inferiority case, but I’m definitely in a grey area right now. I have a bad feeling, but I wanted to post this to get some other advice, to see all of what could be going on, and how I should go about this.

Hey all, I hope this is a good place to post this, I’ve been lurking for a while.

I’ll try to break this down as simply as I possible can, but basically I am engaged (F23) to my soon-to-be husband (M29) and there are a few things that have happened that have made me question if I’m overthinking things, or it is weighing on me for a reason.

For some background information, I absolutely love my fiancée to death and he treats me wonderfully, I truly have never felt love like this before. However, I’ve also had very little relationship experience before him, so my wisdom on certain things is cloudy.

First, I’ve noticed lately that He seems to be using telegram more often. I know that he uses the app, but it seems to be much more common now, and I feel like each time I get really close to him, he seems to close out of the tab each time (one thing that struck me as odd, since he doesn’t do this to me with other tabs).

He also has a highly disproportionate amount of female friends online. His best friends are female, and his follower count in other platforms is heavily dominated by female followers. While he compliments me all of the time as well, he also comments on other women’s (online, not in real life) attractiveness and sex appeal quite a bit (again, I wouldn’t say that crosses the line into "cheating" but it has made me uncomfortable on a few occasions, depending on the comments he’s made).

Again, he’s incredibly affectionate with me, and I should also add that he doesn’t exhibit the typical red flag behaviors with his phone (I know how to unlock it, and he isn’t super defensive with it). After going through this sub though, something on my heart told me to ask for a second opinion, and if any advice could be given to me (or if I am genuinely being overreactive about all of this) please let me know.

thank you so much

You just saw a red flag and you immediately recognized it does not fit the pattern of your fiancé’s usual behavior.

Under normal circumstances your 6 year age difference would not matter but you are the age of recent college graduates. It is the age where you are actually still learning about human nature.

The fact that you reacted should slow things down until you get to the bottom of it. If you haven’t said anything then don’t. This is the time to look at other things that might concern you.
One of the first things bs notice is secretive behavior and you now have one to worry about. The behavior that makes me a little concerned is his friends. The fact that he comments about women and has that many female friends might mean he needs lots of validation. Again, take your time. You are still very young.

I don’t know what to make about the Telegram thing other than it’s a suspect app. Something to keep an eye on I guess.

It looks in general like he has poor boundaries. There’s no reason for him to be complementing women online. Nothing wrong with you having a conversation with him about how it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Welcome from a newer member too — you did the right thing posting this instead of just spinning on it alone.

One thing that might help: your gut and the evidence are two different tracks, and you don't have to resolve both tonight. "Something on my heart" is your pattern recognition noticing a deviation from his normal — you said it yourself, he doesn't close other tabs. That observation is valid no matter what it turns out to mean. At the same time, noticing an anomaly isn't proof. Both things can be true: your feeling deserves to be taken seriously, AND there might be an innocent explanation. You don't have to choose today, and you're not crazy for either noticing it or wanting to be sure.

I'd also gently separate the two things you listed, because they need different responses:

The Telegram thing is an unknown. Unknowns need observation, not a verdict — Cooley and Letmebefrank covered that ground well.

The comments about other women — that one isn't an unknown. It already happened, repeatedly, and it already made you uncomfortable on several occasions. That conversation doesn't require proof of anything; it's just "when you say things like that, I feel ___." How he responds to that — defensiveness, or actually hearing you — will tell you more than the Telegram tab ever will.

Last thing: you keep attributing your unease to "little relationship experience." Inexperience can distort things in either direction, sure. But discomfort that keeps recurring doesn't need experience to be valid data. And being engaged is exactly when getting this handled is cheapest. You're not overreacting by noticing. You'd only be underreacting if you carried the question, unanswered, into the wedding.

hugs

Your fiance is complimenting other women on their attractiveness and sex appeal. Think about that sentence for a minute. He is engaged to you yet openly commenting on other females attractiveness and sex appeal. Red flag number one

He closes out something on his phone when you get too close, red flag number two

You are young and have a lot to learn about relationships. My comment is not meant as an insult. Relationships are incredibly complex. You and your fiance are young and you have some years of maturing ahead of you. Again, not meant to be an insult

These days technology has made it incredibly easy for two people to covertly communicate which obviously makes it a lot easier to cheat. You have observed behaviors from your fiance that make you uncomfortable and I strongly suggest you sit down with him and discuss this

Do not ignore this, do not sweep this under the rug and pretend it doesn't exist. Problems that are swept under the rug do not go away, they fester, they grow, and eventually they come back 10 times more difficult to deal with

It was my wife's reaction to me seeing a picture of her in a green dress on her phone that led me to discover her affair. The picture was innocent enough but when I asked about it my wife's explanation and body language told me something was wrong. I set a reminder in my phone to check her texting history in 2 weeks when we got our next cellular bill.

When my reminder went off I had forgotten about the picture. I checked her texting history but saw nothing out of the ordinary and I almost dismissed my suspicions as an overreaction but then I checked her tablet while she was still at work. And that's when I discovered she was sexting with a co-worker

She was smart enough to delete her sexting before she left work each day but she forgot that her tablet and phone were synced. I checked her tablet while she was still at work and that's when 27 years of trust evaporated.

A smart man once said trust yet verify. Wise words to live by