SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How do you handle social media? My WH used to be really active, especially on Instagram. On Facebook Messenger, he had a chat with a woman he’d had something going on with in the past (before our time), but that conversation was inappropriate too. He’s since deleted his Facebook account, but I agreed that he could keep his Instagram for now because he’s part of a community there through his hobby.

However, I don’t want him following random women he doesn’t even know. That really upset him. His logic was that I could just look through his phone and see he’s not actually in contact with any of them anyway.

How do you deal with this?

Why is Instacrap so important to this hobby?

Yeah, no. Being able to follow random women is more important than repairing his M? That he broke? Doesn’t sound remorseful to me…

Why is Instacrap so important to this hobby?

There is a local community of people who are sharing that same interest and exchange. It is public and fully accessible for me. I know it matters to him so I thought I will let him keep it. He has switched his account from „public" to „private" following the A so neither can his postings be followed by the whole world anymore nor has he attracted any additional followers since then.

But there were some accounts which he follows that make me feel uncomfortable. He unfollowed all of those today after our argument. But I know he did it because I asked him to, not because he thinks it is the right thing to do. And that does not feel right either.

[This message edited by 7m46s at 9:02 PM, Saturday, June 27th]

Can't he go on youtube instead? it's not private or personal there, and you can still learn things about any hobby and get feedback on your work.

Of course he could. I am not saying he couldn't do without Insta. But that‘s where events relating to his hobby get communicated and all that stuff. If it will harm our efforts to reconcile, I will ask him to drop it. And I am sure he will comply. As I wrote earlier, he now deleted the accounts that made me feel uncomfortable. But he, too, lost a lot after the affair and is rather isolated. (Yes, it was his choice.) I am fine with him pursuing his hobby but I want to set clear boundaries.

That‘s why I am asking how you guys handle it.

[This message edited by 7m46s at 6:16 AM, Sunday, June 28th]

I now have log ins to all social media and messaging apps my FWW has. If I ever find a secret one, I’m gone. I don’t just get to look thru it occasionally, I’m logged in and get her messages in real time (no opportunity to delete).

I cannot imagine being able to function any other way after infidelity. And I should add that prior to her cheating, I never asked for any of that. Never looked at her phone, never asked to share locations, none of it. I’m just not that jealous of a person.

But the cheater gives up any privacy rights they think they had. Privacy really doesn’t do anything to help a marriage anyway. It’s just an opportunity to do things you know you shouldn’t do.

Because I have those logins, I worry a little less about specific accounts other than ensuring she’s unfollowed any past lovers.

after our argument

Can you get yourself to a point where instead of having an argument, which means instead of trying to convince him of something, you just tell him your position? That you are uncomfortable with him on Instagram and that if he stays on it, you are going to start pulling away, and it will eventually lead to divorce? Not really stating a threat as just saying this is where you are now. You just won’t tolerate that.

And then let him make his choice. He can say that he was "coerced" but at the end of the day, he made a choice and that’s what you want to see. Him making good choices, not him getting coerced and faking it.

Also, he's saying you need to police him. You're the parent; he's the child. The burden is on you.

He's an adult. He needs to police himself, and he needs to show that he's doing that.

Make a new, combined account.