SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So you may have seen my previous posts. My now ex partner of 20 years was having an affair from January, didn’t admit it was full blown till June and swore it had finished. Recently blown up that it’s still been going on until now. Monday last week I asked him to leave and he left to go live with her.

So now lives with a 24 year old girl her parents and siblings same age as our children. We have 6 aged between 1-18. All along I told him I wanted to reconcile obviously he didn’t.

He’s said some pretty mean things, he doesn’t love me, couldn’t give up his fling with OW because she loved him and he really liked/loved her. Was only with me for the kids. Totally rewrote our history.

I know I can’t ever be with him again but don’t know how to get over the past and future I thought we were going to have. Every lie he’s told. Also the fact he’s changed into someone in months that I don’t recognise but my heart still aches for the old person I fell for .

I do have support in person but feel so ashamed and embarrassed about the whole thing. One minute I feel strong then the next could cry. Not just for myself but my children to they don’t deserve this.

I’m not sure what I’m asking here but how did/do you get through this? When does it start getting easier?

I’m sorry. I witnessed exactly what you are going through. Only difference the OW was 29 or so and single and I too watched my H become someone I didn’t recognize either.

How do we survive this? First as a parent we put ourselves second or last and kids first. You show up every day knowing they need you as the stabilizing force in their lives.

Second you grieve the loss of the person you once knew, and accept the person the cheater has become. It’s the hardest thing right now but it will become less painful over time. A long time.

You then Prepare yourself for the day his "twu wuv" 24 yo OW dumps him. Whether it’s over lack of $ or commitment to kids or they are stuck living with her parents — whatever it is, this relationship has a very small success rate.

You need to establish your co-parenting skills and relationship w/ him. That will take work. I would suggest now is not the time to introduce the OW to your kids but you may not be able to control that.

Lastly, you get yourself a good attorney and at some point only discuss things through legal counsel.

First of all, save yourself years of ruminating, spiraling, and trying to rationalize something that’s not rational

Find a good therapist or someone you can talk to that can help you process the stages you’re going to go through. Some days will be worse than others and it may feel like it’ll last forever, but it will eventually subside.

I’m extremely sorry you’re going through this and it is the worst feeling you will ever have. You second-guess yourself you may spiral over stupid comments he made to you when he was angry. We try to pinpoint in our mind when everything changed, and you didn’t see it. You go through so many emotions and cry 1000 tears and grieve of life that you imagine you would have. The death of your dreams for the life you imagined together.

His relationship will fail in time. Right now she’s feeding his ego making him feel younger and he has all the endorphins running rampant in the fantasy that he has created. Fantasies never last. The age difference will become more and more evident as time goes on.

If it falls apart, he may come crawling back and that’s when you have to make a decision if you wanna live your life in insecurity, constantly waiting for other infidelity and triggers. Usually if they do it once they’ll do it again.

Try not to worry about whether other people think because you’ve done nothing wrong. Anybody on the outside looking in we’ll see a fool.

Right now you need to try to have a level head and get a good lawyer. Spend some serious hours on Google researching what to ask for how to get it and what not to forget when thinking of your children’s future.

The absolute most proactive thing you can do right now is put that grief to work in making sure you get absolutely everything you are entitled to

He does not get to dictate what you are entitled to so read up on the law. Hire a reasonable attorney that is not the most aggressive one, but is one with good reviews. It will pay for it in the long run.

If I let my first attorney, tell me what I was going to get I would’ve gone home with nothing

I got a second consultation with one that knew the actual law and in my 23 year common law marriage with three kids I ended up with the paid off house, a settlement for $225,000, child support, college support if our three wanted to go to college. He had to pay the healthcare dental care, car insurance for the kids and cell phones. The only thing I didn’t get was alimony or pension.

If I hadn’t had a good attorney, none of that would’ve happened. Be prepared to address him, wanting to bring this woman around your children. Don’t get caught off guard by it. Speak to your attorney and get a game plan

Treat him from now on as though he is no longer someone you loved, but he has now your opponent in the biggest battle of your life. You do not need to make anything easy for him or comfortable. You owe him nothing.
Make it a business transaction by keeping emotion out of it and you will protect yourself best treating it that way

My idiot, ex met a woman He only knew 14 days and married her and surprised me with that right after it had an affair six weeks earlier.

Be kind to yourself. None of this is your fault. There are no answers that will make any of his actions. Make sense. Allow yourself to grieve and don’t give yourself a specific timeline to follow.

I’m still grieving and ruminating at times and it’s been seven years. Most days I’m fine, but I have to work with him so I get triggered by every new woman.

You will find peace and you will find your balance again and you will be happy again. It’s just gonna take some time and patience

[This message edited by Muggle at 4:58 AM, Wednesday, October 1st]

Time is the worst four letter word. But a good IC, IRL support, and acceptance that your STBXWS has gone off the deep end will help.
Lawyer up — you need to protect you and your kids.

And buy stock in popcorn- you’re in for a show with him and his child GF and her parents. Good lord. That is pathetic.

(Oh and cry. A lot. It’s normal and you need to let that grief out. No shame in that at all).

Nothing to add all the good advice you've already received, just sympathy and solidarity. It is hard, he's being a complete idiot - classic midlife crisis affair with a much younger woman. Reality will hit him like a lead brick at some point.

As for yourself, please take care and allow yourself some nice things in life, even if it's just a quiet cup of tea. Grief comes in waves, and sometimes you'll keep your head above water, and other times it might feel like you're drowning, but we all get through this, and you will too.